by John Cheese
"You're sure you want to do this," I asked as David Wong sat down with his briefcase. He seemed unusually edgy today, and to tell you the truth, I couldn't really blame him. His hair was just less than perfect and his $2000 suit hadn't been pressed in literally hours. He had the look of a man under pressure, but that wasn't about to stop him from this destined meeting. He sat opposite me at my kitchen table and placed the briefcase on his lap, answering my question with a stare that simply said, "bring it on." I glanced down at the case.
"Yo, man. What you got in there?"
"In here," he asked coldly, running his fingers down the black leather and unsnapping the latches. Pulling it open, he revealed a Magic: The Gathering deck that seemed to almost glow. "Doom." He said it with a cocky smile, eyebrow slightly lifted to accent his daring smirk.
"Let's play."
David had never played Magic before, though I had been begging him to learn for years. The only real problem he had with it was that it was an expensive game, and despite the countless millions he had collected from his website, David Wong is a fucking cheap bastard. But three years of calling him a pussy for not knowing how to play was too much for even this master of wit to handle, and finally, he gave in. Today, David Wong's life would take on a new direction. Today, David Wong would become a true gamer. Wasting no time, we began our first instructional game.
"I trust you've read the basic rules I emailed you."
"I have," he replied, never breaking his staredown.
"Excellent. Then let's get started. Please rise for our national anthem."
"John," he protested, "I realize that there are certain rules you must abide by in this game, but do we honestly have to sing the national anthem? It just seems kind of ridiculous and unnecessary."
"Hey, do you want to play this game or not?"
He sighed, stood, and performed the most beautiful rendition of The Star Spangled Banner that has ever graced my ears. Hand on my heart, my American pride swelled as I stared on, allowing him to immerse himself in patriotism.
...and the hoooooome... of theeeee... braaaaaaaaavve...
"That was beautiful," I complimented through tear-filled eyes. "I can tell you're going to be a great player."
"Thank you. Are we ready to play?"
"Sure."
"Great. I just have-"
"Just as soon as you finish the Canadian national anthem."
"John, I'm not singing the-"
"I'll tell you what, David, why don't you just make up your own damned rules, huh? You wanted to learn how to play, and I'm fuckin' teaching you how. When we play basketball, you have to dribble. In Magic, you have to sing The Star Spangled Banner and O Canada."
"Alright! I'll sing the damn-"
"And Adavance Australia Fair."
"I hate you."
"I don't make the rules."
Through gritted teeth, David belted out the stirring anthems of Canada and Australia. And Seychelles.
Enou tou zour mars nou tou ensam,
Fraternité dan leker, nou lavenir devan nou...
Now, we were ready to play.
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