by John Cheese
Finally,
Nintendo lives up to one of its promises. As most of you know, the deadline
for the title reworks was today, and much to my surprise, Nintendo actually
came through. For the rest of you who have been living under a rock for
the past six months, the short story goes like this:
Upon releasing the first screenshots and demos of their new lineup, the
video game giant found itself swamped in hatemail and constant phone calls
from angry fans, complaining about the graphic quality and content of
what they had witnessed. At first, CEO Satoru Iwata dismissed the feedback,
assuring the public that though the lineup was different from what they
were used to, it was sure to change the industry for the better. He went
on to demand, "YOU NO CALL OFFICE NO MORE! YOU BUY GAME WITH BIG
MONEY GOOD!"
But fans insisted that if the games did not look any better by Christmas, they would not be buying game with big money good, and they would indeed continue to call office, regardless of his wishes.
To Iwata's credit, he pulled every first-generation title for the Nintendo Wii and had them reworked for the masses. Juvenilecomedy.com has the first look at a few of these revamps.
Above: Nintendo
icons revamped for a more modern audience.
Original Title: Super Mario Galaxy
Original Plot: The princess has been captured and is being held somewhere in the universe. Our hero, Mario, searches high and low to save his true love, utilizing new friends he picks up along the way in places like "Ice Cream Planet" and "Rainbow Puppies Moon." But don’t forget that money! 100 coins in this game is the difference between life and death!
Features: Collect powerups such as mushrooms and fire flowers to help aid you on your journey. A well-placed wall-jump can get you to those hard to reach areas, but if you happen to fall, don’t fret. Over 170 new falling animations will be sure to keep you giggling for hours!
Revamped Title: Super Mario Slaughterhouse Jamboree!
Revamped Plot: Everybody has a mean streak, and Mario is just the man to show you how to use it. Embrace your hate as you cut and shoot your way through over seven hundred levels of victims and those undeserving of breath. Unleash your wrath on the unrighteous to the thumping new uncensored soundtrack, featuring such artists as Ice T, Eminem, and Slipknot.
Features: Over 900 weapons to chose from, but don’t underestimate the brutal force of Mario’s hands. There’s nothing like feeling a skull collapse under your own knuckles; making a man shit blood under the blunt force of your bare fists. Collect every coin in every level to unlock Cop Killer mode!
Above: Giggling, Mario flees the scene
of a violent, brutal rape.
Not pictured: Dr. Mario giving an underage teen a back-alley
abortion.
Original Title: Dead or Alive Extreme 2
Original Plot: The ravishing beauties from the Dead or Alive series take some time off to relax in their bikinis and enjoy a few rounds of volleyball. Feel the excitement of the sport in its truest form as you compete your way to the top to become the ultimate in the world's most treasured competition. But don't forget your sunscreen!
Features: Signature moves from the world's most respected and admired players such as Linda "The Spike" Spikewoman, Sharon "Got Served" Ballserver, and Kim "The Nickname" Volleyballplayer.
Above: Two sluts duke it out on a giant
used maxipad, floating in a pool of tropical semen.
Now, this is the way volleyball was meant to be played!
Revamped Title: PUSSY! 6: No Balls Allowed
Revamped Plot: Watch these hot sluts lick, suck, and fuck their way to the top in this true-to-life masterpiece that starts in the locker room showers and ends in your Kleenex. No nets, no volleyballs, and best of all no boys in this all-out fistathon!
Features: New special moves such as the reverse cowgirl, the side-entry strap-on, and the screaming meme. Beat the game on hard mode to unlock special videos, including Tara shaving her teammate’s asshole inside a sewer pipe.
Original Title: The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
Original Plot: Link is back to save the land of Hyrule. With his trusty sword, powerful flute, and collection of scary and wacky masks, he sets out on an epic adventure to thwart evil. Witness the grace and precision of his fluid movements as you utilize the new Wii controller’s combat system. So grab your sword and shield, mount up, and bring an extra bag of courage - the fate of Hyrule is in your hands!
Features: Amazing combat system and new horseback battles. Precision aiming with the unique Wii controller will keep you entertained for hours as you master not only the strategic fighting, but the hand-eye coordination that will make you glad you're not handicapped!
Above: Link stares at his catch
while calmly explaining to his partner that she got vaginal
bruises while riding a bike. "That's all the doctor needs to know."
Revamped Title: The Legend of Zelda: Upskirt Fishing
Revamped Plot: Sit in a boat and fish as you spin the camera to peek up Link's skirt. Sell your catch back in town to make big money, and then spend that money on better looking fishing partners. But chose your partner wisely, young angler. It’s rumored that some of the women in town don't wear panties! Don't forget to use your pole to suppress her lies.
Features: Fishing and genitals.
Soon to be Released Titles From Nintendo Wii:
"Jam a Wii Controller into a Prostitute’s Vagina"
And...
"Shitting on the Floor"
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