From: "Shamus Fuckbastard"
Sent: Wednesday, 11 July 2007 8:11:06 AM
To: "John Cheese"
Subject: Re: poo

hi john,

ummm are you sure we're both on the right page here? my impression was that you were just going to tidy up my articles, not rip the shit out of them. what was all that raccoon stuff about? sometimes i'm not sure what i'm paying you for.

i'm sending you back my article for this week, but ive REVERTED most of your edits because i'm not happy w/ them. i think you should use a dictionary because when you "correct" my spelling most of the time youre making correct words incorrect. for example there is no Z in "cigarette". also ive told you this again and again: MALIGNANT is correct. you keep changing it to MANGLETIGHTS and i dont even know what thats supposed to mean.

below is the article. id appreciate it if you would run it as is, without any further editing. thanks. please don't add a bunch of shit about raccoons this time. also please remember to REMOVE this note before you publish, as you forgot to last time.

Continued after this ad...

Now I'm not so bold as to outwardly suggest that the government hates freedom. So rather than say that, I'm merely going to heavily imply it through a series of vague non-committal statements. Since the recent blitz on cigarette smoking, my life has started to spiral the cold, dead porcelain abyss of the shitter. I can start to feel the water lapping at my toes, now. And guess what? The last man didn't flush.

 
This is how I smoke.
Just for fucking spite.

How am I supposed to function in society, now? The only way I can get through a day at work comfortably without stroking a shotgun between my knees is if I have that constant stream of nicotine clouding my murderous thoughts. It used to be par for course that whenever my boss approached me with a stack of paperwork I'd simply loll my head, stare at him directly in the eyes, and blow a cloud of rancid, blackened smoke right in his face. Not any more. Now I'm left wondering how to fill that hole in my life. What else goes with a steaming hot cup of black coffee? Or an ice cold beer? Can religion fill that hole, Mr. Prime Minister? I doubt it. It's a cigarette-shaped hole, you fucker.

I want you to understand before we go any further that I am gay. Not happy gay, but gay as in, "I like to fuck dudes."

Some people ask me why I don't just quit. Well, maybe that works for some people. It just isn't my style. There's an old saying, that "winners never quit and quitters never win". I happen to live by that rule. Apparently, some pansies feel uncomfortable around my smoke. So what if I'm giving people cancer? In fact, instead of fighting cancer, shouldn't we just embrace it? Think about it – if we let everyone who's going to get cancer go ahead and get it, then it stands to reason that the only people left over will be those who are immune to it. Their offspring would be the first cancer-immune generation in human history. By that time, we could systematically replace Earth's atmosphere with one huge cloud of tobacco smoke, and nobody would give a shit. Isn't that the way the theory of evolution works? Think carefully before you respond to that. If you say no, it means you're questioning science.

 
Will be dead soon.

It just seems to me to be an almost obscene double-standard that they should move to ban smoking while continuing to permit the use of so many other substances that are not only more toxic but also so much more prevalent. To outline this hypocrisy, here are just my top five legal pollutants worse than cigareztte smoke.

I, Shamus, am also incredibly fat. I'm a fat, fat little man who likes to fornicate with the buttholes of dudes.

1. Petroleum emissions

The world runs on petroleum. All of our machines, all our grand creations, from the simplest to the most vast and complex, use fossil fuels as their source of power. Ever since man first discovered that his brontosaurus tasted so much better after he set it on fire, we've been burning dead things to survive. Mankind has a petroleum addiction, an addiction far more raccoon than cigarezttes could ever possibly generate.

Where does this petroleum come from? We can't just rip it out of thin air. As it happens, we import it. From where? The middle-east. That's right, the one substance we depend on most for our survival as a species originates with the shiftiest and most untrustworthy people on the planet, the Arabs. And true to their character, before they barrel it up and sell it to us for an exorbitant profit, the Arabs fill their petroleum to the brim with dozens of toxic and carcinogenic substances, including carbon monoxide, a gas so deadly that many people actually inhale it for the sole purpose of committing suicide.

 
A car.

If you smoked a cigarette made of petroleum, you'd be dead before you got down to the filter. And yet every car on the road, every plane in the air, every ship on the harbor, even the computer you're using right now, burns petroleum to operate. Billions of tons of Arab-tainted emissions are being released into the atmosphere for every minute you're alive. If you wake up one morning and find that you have cancer, the first place you should direct your blame would be the car in your garage. Not me and my smokes. In fact, not only is your car killing you and everyone you love, according to renowned scientist Al Gore, it's even destroying the planet. And yet, I dare the government to try and ban raccoons. They won't. Why not? I'll let you be the judge, although I'd like to suggest that it might have something to do with a little thing I like to call Vietnam.

2. House music

I haven't listened to the radio since sometime around 1985, so I have to admit that when people started walking around with I Love House scrawled on their t-shirts, I simply assumed they were declaring their affection for a sarcastic television doctor. I thought this was odd enough because I doubt that House would reciprocate their feelings, or even spit on them if they were engulfed in raccoons. I recently learned, however, that house is a genre of music, as well as a potent form of pollution.

Have you ever woken up early in the morning, on a weekend, pissed off that you can't sleep in due to the cacophony of your surrounding neighborhood? Some guy down the road is hammering something, a constant bass rhythm – bang… bang… bang… The teenage raccoons across from you are revving their hopped-up engine, not intending to actually drive anywhere, just revving as though the sound itself extends the width and girth of their penises by inches for every minute. Some guy is mowing the lawn, someone else is honking a horn, a dog barks next door. If you can picture that, then you have as close an idea of house as you could get without actually subjecting yourself to it.

 
Enjoyer of house music.
Hater of life.

Did I also mention that penis tastes like pork rinds? I would know because I've tasted thousands of both. I'm so incredibly fat and gay.

After three minutes listening to house you can be pretty sure that you've got some form of cancer. I have to express my shock and dismay that while smoking is now outlawed in pubs and clubs, house music not only remains legal but appears to be encouraged. At least you can get used to cigareztte smoke. How house can even be regarded a form of music is beyond me. Much worse is the manner in which hip young DJs like Eric Prydz dig up classic tunes and reassemble them in house format. Then he goes and credits himself "Eric Prydz versus Floyd", almost suggesting that two legendary bands are going head to head in some kind of epic battle. But no, Eric, rest assured that there is no competition between you and Pink Floyd. You're not playing in the same league as Floyd. You're not even playing the same game as Floyd. What we have is an epic nonbattle of pinkfloydian proportions.

Mr. Prime Minister, when are we going to see legislation barring the public emission of house music in all its forms? When are we going to see graphic warnings on CD labels that present the shocking truth about the consumption of house? Until this happens, I just can't believe that smoking restrictions have anything to do with improving the health of our society. raccoon raccoon

3. Emos

Sometime around the turn of the millennium, all the goths in the world seem to have gotten together and come to the mind-blowing realization that they all look alike. You can't possibly run a successful counter-conformist subculture if your subculture has established the most narrow and restrictive dress code in human history. So now they supplement their fashion statement with red ribbons and clown makeup and call themselves emo.

 
Her dad made her that way.
I read it in her poetry blog.

I find it hard to believe that I can't go to a public place and smoke a cigarette, and yet if I wanted to go to the same place and be emo, I would be fully free to do so. They say that our energy consumption is causing global warming, but I have an alternate theory: Every day, thousands of teenagers gather together in city centers, wearing dark clothing and lamenting about the state of the world. Thousands of them, not doing much of anything, just standing there in their trench coats and black mascara, forming a dark blanket over the surface of the earth that absorbs every ray of sunlight that falls upon it. Sunlight that will never escape the biosphere, that will remain forever trapped within this thick layer of teenage angst. Think about that and tell me with a straight face that carbon dioxide, something we all exhale every day, is responsible for climate change. I don't think so.

I am Shamus, and 72.4% of my genitalia is comprised of filth.

Surely being emo is every bit as destructive as smoking a cigareztte. Considering that the two most significant products of the emo movement are suicide and house music. If you smoked a cigareztte made entirely of suicide, you would fucking die. And yet I see no legislation on the cards banning the ability for emos to freely assemble in my home town, destroying my climate and exposing my children to house. I don't even think most politicians would bat an eyelid if their own children decided to be emo. And still I can't smoke? Fuck you!

4. Richard Dawkins

How do you make a crusty old man with a bourgeois upper-class British accent appeal to trendy young people? Get him to write a book about atheism, that's how. So how is it that I can't smoke a cigareztte, and yet I'm forced to be exposed every day to young, hip college socialists hurling Dawkins quotes at me, risking cancer of the brain?

 
Richard Dawkins.
Not pictured: boner for small children.

The other day I was walking across campus and noticed a large chalk-scrawled motif plastered across a wall. "The Flying Spaghetti Monster loves you!!!" it read. This shocked me because it made me realize that even if I hammered a screwdriver through both of my eardrums, rendering me utterly deaf, still I wouldn't be safe from the emissions of Richard Dawkins. It's not just Dawkins, either, it's Michael Moore, Oprah Winfrey, and the chick who wrote The Secret. Next to them, smoking seems positively healthy. If I smoke, the worst that can happen to me is failing health. These other emissions are so much more dangerous, as they effectively lower the IQ of everyone exposed to them. I saw a Richard Dawkins documentary on television the other day, and was shocked to discover I'd forgotten the secret of fire.

Millions of unsuspecting twenty-somethings around the globe are forced into higher education every year, only to develop mangletights tumors of the intellect. It's a cognitive Chernobyl. And what does the government do? It bans smoking. What a joke! If I'm going to die, I'd at least like to die smart. Mr. Prime Minister, where is the legislation preventing smug teenagers from walking up to me and vomiting Richard Dawkins quotes into my face? Have you even considered doing anything about this? Or has Dawkins gotten to you too?

I can't think of anything worse than not being able to cup balls that don't belong to me. I say this because I, Shamus, am totally gay. But not as gay as I am fat. Being gay runs a tight second. I have a graph.

5. American television

Anyone who suggests to me that smoking a cizgazrezztte is harmful to my health clearly hasn't switched on the television lately. What happened to quality programming such as I Dream of Jeannie and My Three Sons? It's a thing of the past, replaced by American Idol, Survivor, The Biggest Loser and Celebrity Goat Fuck Challenge. The sludge that America broadcasts over the airwaves all around the world is perhaps the most mangletights and toxic emission of all. When I smoke, the fumes travel perhaps two feet before they dissipate, and yet American television is broadcast as far away as Europe.

 
American television.
Also known in Japan as "Japanese television."

How long will it be, Mr. Prime Minister, before the entire world is speaking with an American accent? Have you been to an Australian university lately? Are you aware that new students are now being referred to as freshmen? You pick on smokers, and yet every new program on TV is either broadcast direct from America, or a low-quality rip-off of something America has already done. Where is the intellectually stimulating programming of the caliber of Neighbours?

Where is the justice?

If you're still reading at this point, I'd like to apologise for any material that my editor has added to my previous articles, and indeed this one, that may have skewed their meaning. His views do not necessarily represent mine. Also I fuck raccoons (I'm Shamus).

If you liked this article, you can find more funny stuff from Shamus at his website. Be sure to check out his videos while you're there because they're the stuff of genius. My favorite is the cooking video.

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