#10: Pamela Anderson and Bret Michaels

I saw this video way back when I first started surfing porn on the internet. That was before DSL or cable, when watching a one-minute video clip meant clicking the download button and then finding some chores to do like painting the house or helping my wife deliver a baby. You can tell it's an old video because Pamela's boobs are only twice as big as the average woman's, having yet to go through the surgery that would make every producer in Hollywood overlook her absolute absence of talent or merit.

The upside

At least it involved two people who were and are considered attractive by the generally stupid public. I didn't know a single girl back then who didn't want to be boned by Bret Michaels, and though Pamela had probably gone through some surgery at that point, she didn't look nearly as plastic as she would just a few years later. These weren't two washed-up celebrities looking to jump start their careers. These were fresh, rising stars who people actually wanted to see naked.

The Downside

Besides the fact that both Bret and Pamela appear to be bombed into a near-coma, the "sexual" acts they perform on each other are executed in the very loosest of terms. Throughout the entire video, Pam looks irritated to still be awake, and I was sure that she would pass out at any second. Meanwhile, Brett appears more interested in seeing his own image on the TV than in the half-baked blonde bobbing on his knob.

At one point, the Poison lead singer gets up to adjust the camera, leaving Anderson to kneel on the bed and grow stupider by the second. As he positions the device, his own pops into frame like some sort of Japanese anime porn monster come to life, threatening to crush all in its path in a violent display of grotesque kill-fucking.

The next several minutes are an awkward display of two criminally retarded drunks trying to balance themselves as Bret squirms and scoots around the bed to position himself in the frame, all the while Pam trying to make him cum so she can go to sleep and dream about unicorns and not being a whore.

The video wasn't what I'd call "repulsive." Just awkward and boring. It broke the first rule of porn by making me remember that I have real life responsibilities.

Webcam reaction: "Don't I have some dishes to do?"

#9: Bam Margera

Bam was born in 1979 but makes a living pretending to be twelve. Recently, a video hit the internet of him having sex with his then-fiancee, Jenn Rivell, causing thousands of people to react with complete indifference, saying, "Bam Margera has a sex tape? Really? Huh. No, you don't have to show me - I believe you. If it accidentally starts playing on like some popup or something, I'll look at it for a few seconds, but - really? The dude from Jackass? Yeah, I guess I could see that."

The upside

Bam showed good sense and respect for his audience by doing two things: 1.) he picked a hot chick to nail. 2.) He stayed his punk ass in the background, mostly off camera. We can't tell you how much we appreciate that effort, Mr. Margera.

The Downside

I've seen too many episodes of Jackass and Viva La Bam, so I can't picture him as any other person. All throughout the video, I was expecting one of his friends to burst into the room and waylay him in the balls with a sack full of human feces, and when that didn't happen, I found myself a little disappointed.

And I've never been one to bitch about the quality of home sex videos, but come on. Margera is rich enough to afford more than a bargain bin Logitech webcam to document a reverse cowgirl. He owes his fans that much. The clip would have actually been worth the view if there had been less "proving to your audience that you're not gay" and more "stealing one of the cameras that you use on your show." And the being hit with a sack of shit thing.

Webcam reaction: Utter disappointment.

#8: Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton makes a living by being rich, and her fame was acquired through the raw, brutal power of her dad's money. When her sex tape hit the internet, the media went insane, and even reputable news organizations were giving the story top billing over the most dramatic of world news. She currently works as a professional annoyance, growing ever-richer by the second.

The upside

At one point, her boyfriend calls her a scumbag and tells her to just suck it. A few seconds later, we get to hear him cry out, "OW, BITCH!" Hearing her being verbally degraded and hearing him in pain was somewhat worth the viewing.

The downside

Paris Hilton is one of the least attractive famous people I can think of. On a scale of Gary Busey to Salma Hayek, I put her just below Steve Buscemi.

It was thirty-seven minutes of Rick Salomon desperately trying to get off while Paris laid lifeless, the only sounds coming from her mouth being in the form of whining and complaints. Rick could have easily recreated the entire scene by constructing a crude Paris Hilton out of modeling clay and humping it until his own body was embossed into its torso. It would be like fucking a smarter Paris with more personality.

Webcam reaction: Whoops! My shirt flew off!

#7: Pamela Anderson / Tommy Lee

Years after the Pam/Bret video, she tried her luck again with another shitty hair metal musician. This time, it was Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee's dong she was skanking up. Though to be fair, Tommy once had a competition with bassist Nikki Sixx to see who could go the longest without bathing and still have sex with groupies. It lasted two months.

The upside

The scenery is beautiful. Having sex there would be like defiling a Bob Ross painting by cumming on it and calling it a "happy little cloud."

The downside

They say the word "baby" roughly seven hundred thousand times. Add in some extra "rad," "sick," and "awesome," from Tommy, and it will make you pull the sound card out of your computer, curse at it for a few hours, and then run it over with a stolen train. These two morons spend the vast majority of the video, talking about how hot the other is, and neither lives up to or deserves the compliments. The only thing they did that deserved complimenting was not hurting each other with Tommy Lee's gigantic bone.

"I get this for the rest of my life, kids. Mom is a lucky camper." -Pamela Anderson, while holding and filming Tommy's half-hard cock.

Webcam reaction: I... I don't even... what? I'm putting my shirt back on.

#6: Tonya Harding

Tonya Harding's plan of repulsing the world into submission didn't end with her famous knee-capping of fellow Olympic figure skater Nancy Kerrigan. She wouldn't be happy until she induced a global simultaneous vomit. And her sex video came close to doing just that.

A lot of sites call this video, "Tonya Harding's Wedding Night" because she is wearing a wedding dress and because who gives a shit if it's the truth? However, the wedding dress is just a costume, and the video was taken after the couple came back from a Halloween party. God, I wish I could have been at that party so I could have announced them as they walked in. "Hey, look everyone, it's Tonya. Oh, God, your costume is incredible. Look, Tonya came dressed as an uninvited, annoying burden! Or is that an unforgivable, universally-hated sociopath?"

The upside

Being a figure skater, she was definitely in shape, if somewhat mannish. Ok, so maybe that's not really that much of an upside. We'll just say that at least she's not fat. At least not at that point in her life.

The downside

Tonya is drunk. Really drunk. Stupid drunk. You know that one chick you find at every party who gets way too much to drink way too early, and she starts slobbering all over people and giggling a lot, and you can just tell that half of her actions are because she's intoxicated and the other half is just an act? That's how drunk Tonya is in this video, only she left out the acting part.

Her husband looks like an Auto Zone manager. And Tonya's boobs look like they belong on a seventy year old woman. Other than that, it's just two drunk people fucking.

Webcam reaction: "..."

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