"Reading is for Pussies" by Spermus

"Reading is for Pussies"
by Spermus

If you look at history or England, you see there's always at least one major problem with the way people do things: Slavery, kid sex, superstition, men ruled by the whims of other men, etc. History hasn't stopped, so there's a pretty good chance that at least one thing we still consider good is actually fucked up.

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Why read?

When people talk to each other face to face, 10% of the information exchanged is verbal. Of that, 99% depends on timing and changes of tone that are only detectable at a subconscious level. So reading is a way to see 0.1% of what an author is trying to say. That alone should close the book on the issue. But we can't dismiss such an ubiquitous institution as literature without critically examining it.

The Insight into the Human Condition

One human brain could potentially store all of the information in every book ever written. The soul must have many times that capacity (or you would be noticeably stupider in the afterlife). Let's say ten times, minimum. The "human condition" consists of billions of these brainy soul devices talking, working together, fighting, and plowing each other. It is an unimaginably complicated fleshy torrent of information. If you want to find some insight into how that torrent works, you have to be in the middle of it. A few thousand pages of lifeless words wouldn't scratch the surface.

Compare anything written on paper to the immeasurably huge, writhing whirlpool of men and women that makes up the world. No matter what it says, the written information is a small, isloated, and insignificant. It's only remarkable because the author translated it into words. We tend to assume that information serves a better purpose when written, but it's time to critically examine that notion.

Picture two people. One relies on books for his insights on the human condition. The other talks to people all day and surfs the meat typhoon. Who understands the typhoon better? We can't measure understanding directly, but we can see the value of their knowledge in what they do with it. Nine times out of ten, it's the meat surfer who ends up with more money, ass, and drugs. Non-readers run the world.

The Fulfillment

Regardless of the tangible benefit or lack thereof, reading is about the satisfaction. It fills a void, it soothes the soul, it pumps the reps. For some people, at least. Everyone has a void, which they fill with things like sports, religion, Star Wars, or tentacle porn. Reading brings pleasure only to the reader, just like rape. (Not that we can lump literature in with tentacle porn. The former has thousands of years of tradition behind it. So, in 5,000 years, I'll have to write an article critically examining what's wrong with cephalopodic erotica.)

The History

Writing preserves history, literally. It holds old ideas and institutions in place beyond their natural lifespans. A brief skim of the world's most popular written works shows how progress only happens despite them.

The Pyramid Texts by various Egyptians. The earliest known writings implored a nation to pour every resource it could spare into a dead pharaoh's ego. Democracy and medicine are for fags, insisted the Pyramid Texts. Cool civilizations build big motherfucking geometric figures.

Gilgamesh by Shin-eqi-unninni. The most influential work of fiction ever written. You can see its basic messages repeated in everything after it: (1) any attempt to enrich human life is doomed, (2) anyone who tries is an asshole, (3) just follow the rules and the gods will take care of everything, and (4) women are bloodsucking whores.

Iliad by Homer. The textbook on gods and heroism. It explained to humanity how to reach their greatest potential: through petty, ruthless violence. What began as a bitch fight between some insecure goddesses (naturally) ends with deaths of thousands of brave men in stabbed agony. Our lesson is that divinity is not content with slapping and hair-pulling.

Passions of the Soul by René Descartes. For most of history, doctors have sucked. Before medical science was invented, all they could do for the sick and wounded was hold their hands and get them drunk while they bled to death. Wait, no, that's what regular, polite people did. Doctors studied philosophical ramblings full of stupid, stupid ideas. With such advanced knowledge, they were capable of miracles like bloodletting and rubbing ground-up beetles in patients' eyes. In Passions, Descartes concludes that the soul is located in the pineal gland. This belief led to his death, when he choked on the pineal gland of a slain enemy in an attempt to gain his power.

The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne. Hester is having a good time and not reading at all. Suddenly, she gets slapped with a letter and her life goes to shit. If just one letter can do that to a person, what can millions of them do? Hawthorne was trying in vain to warn us of the suffering literature brings to this world.

Moby Dick by Herman Melville. Fuck, man.

Lord of the Flies by William Golding. Here's your insight into the human condition: Those kids wouldn't have lasted a week. Golding stretched the story into a whole novel just to fuck with you. You know the boat-going-backwards metaphor? That's not about civilization. It's your life being wasted by reading this crap.

The Facts

This analysis isn't proof, of course. It's written, therefore it's absolute shit. But bent lines don't lie.

If you see only coincidence in this correlation, you are either an author or sentient RealDoll made of bird shit. We take for granted that "literacy" increases intelligence, reduces poverty, etc. But where does that information come from? Go down to your local library and demand the truth, as loud as you possibly can. You might not like what you hear.

The amount of written information in the world doubles every year, as does the gap between the rich and poor. The literate are the gatekeepers, and we are the sheep. I'm not advocating an armed revolution against the publishing industry. Sheep don't have hands capable of holding guns anyway. But the tree of not reading must be watered by the blood of patriots, so we must figure out some way to bleed.

All I'm asking is that you look at the world around you. Also, stop reading. Right now.