by John Cheese
It was my day off, and I had postponed my update until the morning so I could get some sleep for a change. It wasn't much in the way of comedy, but it did contain vaccine formulas for seventy-six diseases, which until that point had been considered incurable. Yeah, I know I should keep this site on a theme of "funny," but damn it, I had worked hard on those cures, and I wanted to show them off. Anyway, I figured if I was going to make that article any funnier, I had better sleep on it and come back to it when I was less groggy.
I woke up around eight in the morning, and went through my usual routine of breakfast (cold pizza and warm beer), shower (washing my balls in the sink), hit-list, and buttering myself from the waist down so I could fit into my tight, leather pants. Once I was whole again, I sat down at the computer and double clicked my dial-up connection. It read "dialing" a bit longer than usual, and a frown slowly spread across my face like a... something that spreads really slowly... across faces... marking displeasure or frustration. Except not like that at all. In fact, now that I think about it, the frown didn't really "spread" as much as it just kind of appeared there. At least, I'm guessing. Because without a mirror, you can't see your own face. But that's how I imagined it would look. For the sake of argument, let's just say that I was staring blankly at the screen, not really noticing that it hadn't connected yet, but rather wondering if I should've gone to the bathroom before buttoning those pants. And then kind of skipping over to the thought of how funny it would look if my wife didn't have any eyebrows. I giggled a little and got up to go get a razor.
But before I could even leave the living room, the Windows warning beep shattered the morning silence. I hate that warning beep. It's never a good sign... well, that and with my "John Cheese" theme installed, instead of beeping, the band Jackyl screams "she loves my COCK!" Ever had your entire family woken up from someone shouting the word "cock?" My family wakes up that way every morning. My wife burst into the room, screaming something about turning down the speakers on my computer, but I just told her to shut her stupid little face and threw a beer bottle at her, and she shut up. Turning back to my screen, I read the error message.
"Windows cannot establish a dialup connection because it is gay. We'd love to fix the problem, but we're fucking stupid and fat. Check your fucking password and try again. And then have sex with us because we love men."
I kind of changed that, too. But I did as it said and retyped my password and tried to connect again. Thirty seconds went by, and the warning reappeared. She loves my COCK! Again, my wife stormed into the room, and yelled at me to turn it down. I didn't have an empty beer bottle this time, so I just spit on her and scowled. With an angry sigh, she slammed the bedroom door and left me to my work. I turned back to the screen.
"Check your password," I thought. "That's odd. I know I typed it right." But just to make sure, I typed it again. Thirty seconds later: She loves my COCK! The bedroom door shot open and Carrie stormed into the room like a woman possessed. Something hard slammed into the side of my jaw, and I slumped to the floor. Vision blurred, and thoughts jumbled, I glanced up in time to see her hand edging toward the volume button on my speakers. With one, swift motion, I pulled a butterfly knife from my pocket and jammed it into her palm, pinning her hand to the table. She buckled under the pain, and screaming, fell onto the keyboard, mashing down random keys that once again brought up the error button. She loves my COCK!
"AHHH! YOU SON OF A BITCH! I HATE YOU!"
"Yeah, you weren't hating me two months ago when I was feeding your cocaine habit, were you?"
"I DON'T DO COCAINE, YOU DUMBASS! YOU JUST BOUGHT IT AND CARRIED IT AROUND BECAUSE YOU SAID IT MADE YOU FEEL LIKE A ROCK STAR!"
"The first sign is denial, baby."
With that, I pulled the knife out of her hand and gave her the keys to the car.
"Go get that stitched up. I don't want company coming over thinking I'm abusing you."
"You are a sick bastard, you know that?"
"Whatever. Take the boys with you. I'm trying to write an article here, and I don't want to put up with having to feed them and stuff."
"I hate you."
"Yeah, but you love my COCK!"
After that, she was only too eager to leave. Well, that and the fact that if she didn't, she could very well die from blood loss. For the next four hours, I continually tried my dialup connection to no avail.
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