Quickly, I snatched his cat from its basket and punted it across the room. It hit the wall with a thick thudding sound and flopped to the floor, shaking its head in stunned confusion. I'm not sure why I did it, but I'm pretty sure it scared the old man, and that's all that counted at the moment.

"I'm not here for your money, old man," I yelled. "I'm here for your ass!"

"Please," he began to cry. "I've done you no wrong. Please don't hurt me."

Pretending to fly into a rage, I grabbed his cat again and booted it in his direction. It hit him flush in the eye, and both man and beast fell to the ground in a frightened heap.

"I know what you've been doing on the internet, old man. I know all about it."

"Oh, no," he sobbed. "Are you Ass_Kitten_69's husband? I didn't mean it. I was only messing around. It was just innocent flirting."

"What? No. No, I'm talking about the websites you've been visiting. You've been a naughty boy, haven't you, Dan. "Uniforms for boys?" Does that ring a bell? How about "Boys in the wilderness?" Or "Teens in the wild?" Oh, I know all about it, Patterson. I know what you do when your wife isn't in the room, you sick motherfucker. And if I don't get what I want right now, I'm going to the authorities with the whole story. Do we understand each other?"

Suddenly, his face changed from fear to angry confusion.

"What the hell are you talking about," he barked. "I'm a scoutmaster. Those are boyscout sites, you idiot."

Suddenly, my plan had a hole in it.

"Oh," was all I could muster.

He must have sensed my panic because he suddenly went on the offensive. Swooping down his left arm, he plucked the cat from the ground and punted it full force at me. It slammed into my neck, knocking me to the ground, and soon, Dan was standing over me, legs flanking both sides of my torso. Things were getting out of hand all too quickly, and my panic was beginning to shift to fear.

"How dare you," he blared. "How dare you break into my house and accuse me of promoting child pornography? How dare you force yourself into my home and spew your filth on an innocent man?" He reached behind his back and pulled out a twelve-inch Rambo-like knife. "Do you know what we used to do to disrespectful little punks like you back in The War?"

I stared at the blade in cold terror as he locked onto my eyes.

"Answer me!"

"N-no, sir."

"Oh, you will, son. You will. You see back then on the battlefield, we didn't have the police or judges to discipline an unruly character such as yourself. We were the police. When a man chose to walk off the beaten path, he had to be corrected." He was bringing the knife closer and closer to my face as he spoke, rolling the handle in his palm and reflecting light off of the blade and across my eyes. "No, we didn't have rules back then, so when a man stepped out of line, the only authority we had was God. If we couldn't handle a man, we let God deal with him... personally."

With that, he swung the knife down at my chest. Through the air, it cut downward, and I swear I could hear it whiffing like a golf club as it neared my chest. My horrified mind vomited a thousand ideas, but I couldn't make out a single one. Then suddenly, before I even knew it had happened, my mouth blurted out "ASS_KITTEN_69!!!"

The knife and his arm froze in mid-swing. His eyes glazed over as he stared through me, locked in some perpetual daydream of his online lover. Now was my chance. If I were to make it out of this house in one piece, I needed to act fast. Quickly, I glanced around the room for anything I could use as a weapon. Then, I saw it.

Grasping the cat by its neck, I flung the feline as hard as I could at his wrist. To my amazement, it connected, and in a split second, the knife was bouncing across his floor. Our eyes locked for what seemed like a slow-motion eternity as we realized that whoever moved the quickest would leave this place the victor. Our bodies lunged through the heavy air in unison, and when we landed, only the thing that saved my life was my extra two inches of arm-length. I grasped the cat firmly with my right hand and pointed it at his temple.

"What's the matter, old man," I sneered. "Left your speed back in the war?"

"I'll do whatever you want. Just don't hurt me."

"Here's the deal, pops. I let you go unharmed. I keep your little Ass_Kitten_69 secret. I never bother you again. And in return, you allow me to put my phone bill in your name so I don't have to pay off my old phone bill before I get the new one turned back on."

"That's all?"

"That's all," I reassured him.

"And how do I know you won't doublecross me?"

"You have my word. But I want the same from you."

The old man sighed. He knew he was beaten. Dropping his eyes, he gave in. "I won't come after you. Scout's honor."

"Scout's honor. Remember you said that. Now, I'm gonna put down the cat and walk away. I'm leaving my business card on your desk... it has my home address on it. You'll need that to turn on our phone. Any attempt at revenge, and you defile everything you stand for, scoutmaster."

He simply nodded as I backed out of his front door. I haven't heard from the old man since that day, and so far, our phone is working without a flaw. Carrie still doesn't know how I did it, but at this point, the only thing she cares about is being able to communicate with the outside world. And to tell you the truth, so do I.

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