by John Cheese
It was a sunny Tuesday morning when my depression started to bubble. It had been the better part of a year since we had our phone shut off, and every time an opportunity arose for us to pay the bill and get it turned back on, another bill would pop up and crush all of our hopes. Like the time I got an extra hundred and fifty dollars added to my check. Just when I thought, "Great! Now I can get my phone turned back on," boom... I get a call from a collection agency demanding payment for the 26 enemas I got the month before. And you know how it goes. If you don't pay for the old ones, they sure as hell aren't going to spot you another one. In their eyes, you're just not good for it. Or that other time when we got a little extra on our tax refund, but I ended up having to pay the beer bill with it.
So anyway, I'm thinking about all that, and I'm staring at the computer, and I'm getting all stressed out when my wife notices how down I am.
"What's wrong, honey," she asked empathetically.
"Fuck you. That's what's wrong."
"Oh," she sighed, "You're depressed, aren't you? How about I make you a nice big glass of tea, and we can play Magic: The Gathering for awhile. That usually cheers you up."
"How about I punch you in the neck and shave off your eyebrows? That usually cheers me up pretty good, too. You wanna volunteer for that?"
"Come on, grouchy. Tell me what's wrong."
"I'm sorry. It's not you. It's the phone. I haven't been on the internet in my own house in months. Do you know what it's like to have to masturbate to porn in someone else's house?"
"Ummm... no."
"I mean, it wouldn't be so bad if I was in a familiar place, but when you're in a house that you don't know it just gets all weird."
"Uh... whose internet have you been using?"
"I think their last name is Patterson or Peterson or something like that. I'm not sure. I'd ask them, but I broke in, and I don't think they'd like that very much, so I sort of just sneak around and keep to myself while they sleep."
"You've been stealing?!"
"No! I just break in and use their internet for awhile, then I leave. I don't take anything. Well, sometimes I make a sandwich, but that doesn't really count."
"How the hell did you find out they had the internet in the first place?"
"Well, I broke into about six houses trying to find someone who had it, but I struck out. Two of them actually had it, but I couldn't figure out their passwords to the dialup connection. So after a couple of days, I just gave up. Then one night I set the office on fire at work so I could get off early and go window-peeping, and on about the twelfth house, I just stumbled across it. And I've been there ever since. In fact, today is our one-year anniversary. That's probably why I'm so depressed."
"I can't believe you. I just can't... you... you do realize that the library has public internet access that you can use for free, right?"
"Fuck that. Do you know how much the fine is for masturbating in a public library?"
"No!"
"Well I do, and let me tell you it isn't cheap. Hey, where are you going?"
"You've lost your damn mind. I'm going to mom's for awhile."
"Fine. Run to your precious mommy. Maybe I'll just go to the Patterson's for awhile. Their cat doesn't mind if I go over there."
The door slammed and Carrie sped away, leaving me to my depression. But it wasn't long before the idea hit me of exactly how we could get our phone turned back on.
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