Are you married or thinking about becoming married? Chances are that within just a few years, you won't be. I can't speak for women because I'm not one (though part of me wishes I could be for just one day because... well, boobs), but on the male side of the spectrum, I think I have a few things figured out. The problem on our end is that we tend to treat a marriage in the same way that we treated our high school relationships. That is to say halfassed. I'm here to give you a few basics on how to save your marriage before you end up as just another statistic.

Let's get the obvious out of the way first...

Do you like video games?

Of course you do. You're a guy. Video games are as much a part of our identity as our tone of voice or the clothes that we wear. Don't believe me? Imagine that one of your friends just told you the following: "No, I know it sounds odd, but as a platformer, Barbie really isn't that bad of a game." You'd either immediately call him gay or sit quietly by and wait for the punchline. You've just defined him by what he plays.

The problem with that

It cannibalizes the time that could have been spent doing something with your wife. This much should be basic, but most guys don't see it because most guys only worry about filling in the gaps between work and sex with entertainment. There are several problems with this, the most important of which is that you're segregating yourself from your spouse. Remember that while you're mowing through wave upon wave of the Covenant or casting chain lightning on a Night Elf rogue, she's in the other room, bored as hell and watching talk shows about how much better her life would be without you. She's in there, thinking about her old boyfriends and what she did wrong to lose "the one." Believe me, they all have "the one" and chances are pretty good that it isn't you.

You have to become "the one." And you sure as hell aren't going to do it while looking up cheat codes to Bioshock or reading previews of Starcraft 2. It's the main reason twelve year olds are rarely ever married.

But, Mack...

"What if I included my wife in my gaming sessions?" Don't be retarded. Not only are most women indifferent to video games, but if you play as much as most guys do, she's actually built up a resentment towards them. It would be like inviting her out to lunch with your ex girlfriend from college. Sure, she'll go, and she'll say that she's happy to come along, but she's going to hate every second of it, and she will find a way to pay you back later in life. Congratulations on giving her fuel for the next thirty arguments, spread out over the course of ten years.

"That's bullshit. Both me and my wife play and enjoy games together." You'll be divorced within the next five years. Even in a game like World of Warcraft where you can play and speak together, you're still separating yourselves from each other, physically. You're existing together in an unnatural fantasy world, and it isn't healthy. Not for a full-grown married couple. I doubt that you're using your game time to discuss emotions or bills or to express your love for each other. You're instead using that time to bitch about her inability to effectively heal your party leader and calling her a n00b. You're spending hour after hour with your hands tied to the keyboard, mouse, and/or controller instead of on each others' genitals. Playing together isn't completely bad, but it has to be done in moderation. Do you have that kind of willpower?

"She knew I liked games before we ever got married. She knew what she was getting into." Yeah, she also knew that you enjoyed watching porno and posting videos on youtube of your buddies lighting farts. It doesn't mean that she wanted you to continue doing so. Make no mistake that when she married you, she had every intention of changing that little personality quirk. If she can't do it, she'll eventually write you off as the boy who refused to become a man. I want you to keep this in mind before you go all, this-is-the-way-I-am-and-I'm-not-changing: look at her the next time the two of you go out. After she has her makeup on and her hair done and wearing her good clothes. Take a good, hard look at her and remember this... she will have no problem whatsoever getting an actual man. There's a very good chance that she can do it in under an hour. There's an equally good chance that you cannot do the same with women.

The solution

Set a time limit on your games. If you don't think you have the willpower to shut it down in the middle of a level, then set the parental controls, which are available on almost every new console and PC today. Limit your playing to when she's not around. Maybe while she's at work or visiting her mother or out having sex with a dude who isn't you. There's nothing wrong with playing games because we all need our alone time and we all need our hobbies. But I'm telling you that if you choose to do it while she's around, she will eventually start thinking, "He loves that machine more than he loves me." And for the most part, she'll be right.

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