Lemon Drop Dead

Aroma
Reminds me of cactus cooler. In the interest of full disclosure, I have never actually had cactus cooler, and I will probably never have a cactus cooler as long as I live. However, I have a very defined idea in my head of what a cactus cooler might taste like, and Lemon Drop Dead is it.

Look
Looks like Mountain Dew. Nothing fancy about it. If I knew what a cactus cooler looked like, I'd say that it looks like that.

Taste from glass
Taking a sip, my face puckers up like I just ate an entire bag of Sour Skittles at one time. I'd say that this tastes exactly how I imagine a cactus cooler to taste, but only if said cactus cooler were made out of nothing but cactus needles and hate.

Taking it as a shot made it a bit better, but now I can feel it trying to out-acid my stomach. I fear I may have damaged my soul.

Taste from can

This shit is disgusting. I think I want to puke. I think I just drank puke. Oh god this is terrible. It leaves the exact aftertaste of puking at your friends 20th birthday.

3/10

Strawberry S'lime

Aroma

Sweet. Possibly too sweet. Like strawberry shampoo/cough syrup artificial sweet. You remember that one chick from high school who wanted to be a cheerleader, but she wasn't quite popular enough to make the squad, so she hung out with all the tier-two people from the smoking group? Super bubbly and charismatic to everyone she ever came in contact with, but you were afraid that if you told her to fuck off, she might... "do something" to herself? If you were to turn that into a vapor, this is what it would smell like.

Look

Very foamy when it pours, but it almost immediately fades, leaving an unnerving red liquid in the glass that for some reason reminds me of transmission fluid. I make a note to have my car serviced in the morning and take ten minutes to apologize to anyone I may have emotionally hurt in my childhood.

Taste from glass

Taking a sip, it isn't bad. Almost like a strawberry shake from McDonald's. It has that "not quite strawberry" taste to it. Taking it as a shot, I notice it now tastes more like Nesquik Strawberry Milk and less like soda. It is slightly pleasant, yet at the same time sickening. Like masturbating to cartoon porn.

Taste from can
Not bad. I think it is best chugged from a glass, but it can be enjoyed in any way.

7/10

Candy Corn

Aroma
Oh God, what the fuck... is that caramel? What is that smell? Is that what candy corn smells like? It smells like glue and... cotton candy? I don't know much about this life, but I do know that cotton candy is not supposed to be made out of glue. After having inhaled this aroma, I would be more accepting of the following combinations:

1.) Cooked cabbage and ice cream.
2.) Salsa and work shoes.
3.) Hospital bed sheet and unwashed hair.

Look
When it pours, I swear to god it looks like a Hollywood depiction of glowing toxic waste. Not the kind that gives super heroes their powers, but the kind that makes ordinary people into hideous, flesh-dripping killers. Sitting here in the glass, it looks identical to urine.

Taste from glass
It tastes exactly like Easter candy. That generic filler candy that you find uneaten in the basket well into August. When taken as a shot, it tastes like maple syrup on pancakes. This is a very odd flavor to experience when you are drinking soda.

Taste from can
Yeah, it definitely tastes like maple syrup now. There is no mistake about it, I have a can of clear yellow maple syrup.

5/10

Dread Licorice

Aroma
That right there is a fucking licorice. Go to a gas station right now and buy yourself some licorice and smell it. You just smelled yourself some Jones Dread Licorice soda.

Look
Nothing special about it. It's red.

Taste from glass
It tastes a bit like cough syrup when sipped. Not any new kind, but the kind you had when you were a kid and got that real bad cough, and your mom tried to trick you into drinking it. It is no better when taken as a shot. Just a strange overall aftertaste of plastic.

Taste from can bottle
Yep, still cough syrup. This is probably the most disappointing of the night.

4/10

Lets get crazy and see what happens when we mix!

Candy corn and strawberry

Oh what unholy union I have created. It just smells like sugar and tastes like... more sugar. I would have been disheartened by this, but then I realized that I'm reviewing soda - which is basically just carbonated water and sugar. That in mind, I was kind of pleased.

8/10 great improvement

Candy corn and lemon

This smells like a drink you would get from that kid at the party who thinks he is a bartender. Oh god, it tastes like sweat. Exactly like sweat. I'm going to go vomit and talk myself out of cutting my own wrists. Here's your score:

0/10

Candy corn and licorice
I think the candy corn overpowers all the other smells. This one tastes thick and syrupy, almost like a cherry syrup. One made out of cherries and is syrupy.

5/10

Strawberry and lemon
This smells like someone vomited on a nice birthday cake. It tastes like a bad divorce and makes me die a little inside.

0/10

Strawberry and licorice
You know when you go in to the dentist and it just has that smell? It isn't a bad smell, but it just smells fake? This smells like that. It also tastes like bubblegum toothpaste. I don't know why, but it does. Just like the Muppet Babies bubblegum toothpaste I had when I was five.

8/10

Lemon and licorice
I really don't want to try any more with lemon in it. Good news is that it smells like medicine still. Bad news is that it now tastes like sour wood. I don't know, it is the closest thing I can think of. The only other description I could come up with is this: Picture a dogfight in your head. Not the kind with planes in WWII, but the ones with actual dogs ripping each others' flesh to shreds until one bleeds to death and the other hobbles back to its cage, hoping for half of a raw steak as reward. Take all of that hate and violence and hunger and mix it into a shot glass. That's what lemon and licorice tastes like.

1/10

Candy corn strawberry and lemon
This is just getting ridiculous. I feel dizzy. It is light brown, like an amber beer of sorts. It smells like new plastic. I imagine that if you ate live bees, it would taste something close to this. Sweet, but stinging me and overcast with anger.

Candy corn strawberry and licorice
It all smells the same now, just sugar and pain. The strawberry and licorice fuse to create some sort of hybrid sugar flavor, only to be enhanced by candy corn like some sort of sweet, sweet liquid Voltron. So sweet. My sugar buzz alone makes me give this one a six.

6/10

Candy corn lemon and licorice
This smells identical to the last one. Plastic and sugar. It just tastes bitter now. Like all of my past relationships, both family and romantic. I was going to say that if there were a smell associated with winning the bonze medal in the Olympics, this would be it, but that's not true. It would be like coming in dead last and then testing positive for steroids... everyone knowing that even with chemical help, you still could do no better than the bottom of the list.

2/10

Strawberry lemon and licorice
Plastic again. Like your first day of school when the seats are still new. Except the only thing you'll be learning here is regret. Sour sugar and water taste with a slight watermelon aftertaste? I don't know. I'm hallucinating now. Four minutes ago, I saw a purple monkey shitting and throwing handfuls of Oprah Winfrey.

3/10

Strawberry, Lemon, Licorice, and Candy Corn:

I am never drinking lemon drop soda again.

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