I'd like to report that Final Fantasy VIII is an astounding game with brilliant graphics and smooth gameplay. But I can't even get past the first few seconds of video without the game locking up and crashing my system. At first, I thought it was just my computer, but when I checked the specs on the box, I realized that I had more than enough power to run this much-anticipated game. So if it wasn't the hardware causing me problems, then I knew it had to be software related. Luckily, David Wong was kind enough to email me a couple troubleshooting tips to help me through this dilemma.

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His first tip didn't work at all. I did exactly what it said, step-by-step, but it just didn't fix the problem. I clicked on the Start button and went to the control panel. I clicked on 3DFX Tools just like he said. So far, everything seemed to be working just fine. But when I urinated into my CD tray as he instructed, the computer began to buzz, and smoke billowed out of my machine. The entire system shut down, and I had to put the computer in front of my fan to dry while I called him to see what went wrong.

David: (Picking up the phone) You called the right place, baby.

Me: Hey, it's me.

David: Click.

Me: I know you're still there, David. I'm not falling for that one anymore.

David: Click. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Me: Stop doing that. You're just making that sound with your mouth. I know you're there. It's me. John... David?

David: (in a very bad Spanish accent) No, zis is not David Wong. Zis is... Ricco. Ricco the Spanish tree farmer.

Me: Come on, David. My computer is fucked, and I need some help. Your email trouble-shooter didn't work, and now my computer is drying out in front of my fan.

David: *sigh* You didn't actually pee into your CD drive, did you?

Me: .............

David: John?

Me: Ummm... no?

David: Oh God, you did. How is it that you can run a comedy website, but you can't tell when someone is joking with you?

Me: How the hell was I supposed to know you were joking? You told me what to do, and I did it. And now my computer is fucked.

David: *sigh* Is it dry yet?

Me: Yeah, it should be.

David: OK, here's what you do. Plug the computer back in, and hit the power button.

Me: OK. Just a sec.

David: Did it come on?

Me: Yeah.

David: Good. That means that nothing is shorted out.

Me: OK. Now what?

David: Are you in your office?

Me: Yeah.

David: Good. Walk over to your closet that you keep all your spare computer parts in and open the door.

Me: OK, I'm there.

David: Are you looking in your closet?

Me: Yes.

David: Good. Now slam your head in the door of that closet about fifteen or twenty times as hard as you can.

Me: OK. (Twenty seconds of slamming) Alright. Now what?

David: Did that fix the problem?

Me: No. It's still locking up on the title screen.

David: You aren't doing it hard enough, then. Do it again, but this time, take off your pants and put them on where your shirt should be.

Me: That sounds kind of stupid, Dave. Why don't I just call-

David: Just do it! It sounds like there's a conflict between your Dirext X drivers and the game itself. This is the only way to fix it.

Me: Alright. Just a sec.

David: Did it fix it?

Me: I don't think so. I'm starting to feel a little dizzy, David.

David: Good. That means we're getting somewhere. Now, this time, I want you to take your game and wedge it between your butt cheeks and repeat the process. When you slam the door into your head, I want you to scream as loud as you can, "I'M MADONNA! I'M MADONNA!"

I was on my third I'M MADONNA when Carrie burst into the room to see what all the commotionn was about. She stood there for a moment, staring at me as I slammed my head repeatedly into my closet door and screamed, I'M MADONNA while the game jiggled ever so slightly from between my naked butt cheeks. With a deep sigh and a roll of her eyes, she closed the door and went back to bandaging up Gina.

"Is he all right," I heard from beyond the office door.

"Yeah," my wife replied. "I think he's talking to David."

I still haven't gotten the game to work, but as soon as I do, you will be the first to know if it sucks or not.

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