The second film in the saga, The Empire's Revenge, or something like that, I haven't had the privilege to see all the way through yet.

It kind of creeps people out that I'm so deeply into the films, but what can I say? It's Star Wars! To prove how momentous those movies were, just compare other movies to Star Wars (such as the Matrix and Lord of the Rings trilogies). See that? They're not as good!

These modern classics Mr. Lucas brought us deserve every ounce of the fanaticism the fans bring to the table. That's why I was so disappointed to find the Attack of the Clones DVD to be such a flaming pile of crusted shit.

When we brought the disc home from the video store, I wasted no time in setting the mood with my almost ritual-like preparations. As Carrie (my wife) finished making the popcorn, I slid in the DVD and muted the television. Turning on my computer, I brought up my mp3 of The Humpty Dance by Digital Underground, and set it for infinite play. Carrie entered the room as I simultaneously pressed "Play" on both the DVD player and my Winamp to start off what was sure to be a grand viewing.

"Oh, no," sighed Carrie. "We're not doing this again, John."

"What?" I innocently replied, adjusting the volume on my computer speakers.

"That," she barked. "We're not doing that again. Every time we get a chance to spend some time together with a good movie, you turn on that stupidass song and giggle every time the main character appears to be singing along with it. I want to actually watch the movie this time."

"But, honey," I retorted, "you will be watching it. You just won't be hearing what they're saying. Would you like me to turn on the closed caption thingy so you can see the script?" I patched my PC audio cables into my stereo speakers for some extra punch.

"Turn the music off right now. I'm not spending the next two-and-a-half hours listening to you giggle over the grating background of Humpty Hump's voice."

"But, hone-"

"In three seconds, if that music isn't off and that TV turned up to an audible level, you will never touch these boobs again. Ever."

A tense silence filled the air, just as when Darth Vader faced down Obee-Won in Episode IV and told him that he should gather 'round, because he was the new fool in town and that his sounds were laid down by the Underground.

"You cut me, woman," I growled. "You cut me deep... Fine. You can have your precious sound. But make no mistake, I'll be touchin' me some boobie tonight."

Readjusting the TV's volume and turning off the computer, I sat down with my wife. As the screen went dark, I sat back in anxious anticipation.

A long time ago in galaxy far, far away...

I almost stood and applauded when those words appeared, but somehow I maintained my composure. Next, the Star Wars logo appeared, and my excitement kicked up another notch. It was like awaiting the birth of my first child, only a thousand times better. I touched the twin Leia-style hair buns I had braided on each side of my head. I found myself literally sitting on the edge of my seat, and the intro wasn't even over yet!

Then, those word things that float through space appeared, and like always, I just fast-forwarded through those. Camera pans up to show scattered spaceships heading towards a large planet, and-

The remote control smashed against the TV screen with a sharp *pop* that made Carrie jerk in shock. I stood and shouted at the television.

"This is fuckin' bullshit! Spaceships don't make noise in space!"

"What?" asked my confused wife.

"Space is a total vacuum, and you can't have noise in a vacuum. This is fuckin' BULLSHIT!"

"John," she pleaded, "calm down. Every Star Wars movie starts out like this. George Lucas uses what's called 'suspension of disbelief.' It's where the viewer forgives inaccuracies for the sake of enjoying the-"

"Fuckin' BULLSHIT is what it is! Spaceships don't make noise in space. It's impossible, and I don't appreciate him thinking I'm stupid! If I were to punch you in the face while we were floating around in space, and you opened up your mouth to scream, you know what would happen?"

"John, please. Please just sit down and wat-"

"Nothing, that's what! Because spaceships don't make noise in space! Why ruin a perfectly good movie by putting something stupid in there like noisy spaceships in a total noiseless environment like space? It's a simple matter of mathematics. Space plus noise equals don't happen."

"Every single Star Wars has spaceships making noise in space, John. It's not like-"

"Then why haven't I noticed it before, harlot? Tell me that. I think I'd notice something as obvious as spaceships shootin' out noise all over a no-noise zone like space! You see, space is a vacuum..."

"You never noticed it because you always have 'The Humpty Dance' playing so you can giggle and pretend the music is coming from the cockpit stereos of the ships. You even bring headphones into the theater. This is why I hate watching movies with you."

"It's BULLSHIT! And I won't stand for it anymore. If they're gonna treat us like we're morons, then I'm putting on 'The Humpty Dance.'"

"I'm going to bed. I don't have the patience for this tonight."

"Your boobies better have some patience! Because later tonight I'm gonna be Boobie Fett, intergalactic Boobie Hunter!"

"Whatever."

I'd have to say that, overall, this movie was a hellish shitstorm of suck. Of course, there were a few redeeming scenes, like when Anakin turned to Amidala and said, "I'm a freak. I like the girls with the booms. I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom." Or when Yoda tells his young students, "Yeah, I called ya fat. Look at me - I'm skinny. That never stopped me from gettin' busy." But moments like these are few and far between.

I never thought I'd do this, but I'm going to have to give the Star Wars: Attack of the Clones DVD the same rating as the suck-ass theatrical release. Our lowest rating:

One star.

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