That's what the title would read if the Illinois state government let you have intercourse with kids under the age of 18. And that's figuratively what 2K Games is doing with a game they released called Bioshock. Let me explain because that's actually not a good thing.

The Background

A few days ago, I received a check for what I would consider to be a significant amount of money. The timing was perfect because sitting on my desk was an electric bill, gas bill, phone bill, and cable bill, each with "FINAL NOTICE PRIOR TO DISCONNECT" stamped on the front in red ink. In fact, the phone had already been shut down just days before, and since the DSL was purchased through the same company, they disconnected it as well. We cashed the check, caught ourselves up on bills, and set aside a little extra money to spend on ourselves (we're a family who is poor enough to only do that once per year, usually at Christmas).

While shopping at a large franchise store that rhymes with "ball art" I ran across Bioshock, previously touched upon by one of our writers, Camerhil. Since the DSL was down for at least a few more days, I figured I could use a game to kill some time during those late hours after work. It was fifty dollars, and that was within my price range, so I decided to pick it up... though I didn't buy it quite as awesomely as Cam did in his article.

It's just simple math.

When I returned home, I put in the DVD, clicked "install" and walked away to finish a few chores. Three sink loads of dishes later, it was almost complete. I watched with pants-shitting excitement as the bar closed in on that 100% mark. 96%........ 97%........ 98%......... 99%........ 100%. This was about to be the best fifty dollars I ever spent.

Then, it did something I hadn't counted on. It attempted to connect to the internet to finish the installation. I thought about my lack of such a connection and stared at the "cancel" button. Assuming that this was just a registration step, I clicked it. Everything disappeared and I was suddenly staring at my desktop, with clinched fists. Grabbing the game's dust jacket, I flipped it over and read the system requirements. Everything matched up. My graphics card was more powerful than what they suggested. I had enough RAM. My sound card was spot on. Oh, wait. "Important Note: Game requires internet connection for activation." Of course it does.

Fifty dollars.

Twenty minutes and three calls later, I found someone who would let me borrow their dialup information long enough to activate the game. Since my phone was back on as of that day, it was my only option. I jacked the phone cord into the modem, created the dialup connection, restarted the installation, and folded three drier loads of my studded leather pants. 96%........ 97%........ 98%......... 99%........ 100%. Ok, this was about to be the best fifty dollars I ever spent.

Again, it brought up the connection attempt, and after five minutes of evidently discussing with the computer at the other end of the line, the psychological ramifications of provoking impatience and frustration within the average human, it let me input my key code.

Then it did something else I didn't expect. It made me download a 16 meg patch file. On dialup. I let it download while I repainted my house and programmed my own crude version of Bioshock in binary, using WordPad. And just as I was about to decide that it wasn't worth the effort, the patch was finished. I gave the finger to the game's box and clicked the icon.

A disclaimer written in five different languages. "Unreal" logo. Nvidia logo. 2K Games logo. Another 2K Games logo, just in case you missed the first one. Another logo that I didn't pay much attention to. I thought I may have to start doing chores in my neighbor's house while Bioshock thanked every person and company who ever had anything to do with the game whatsoever, including the person who first coined the term "Bio" and Shock G from Digital Underground. But soon the menu came up, and I grabbed the mouse. Wait... no mouse pointer?

Fifty dollars.

Must be a graphics card issue. No problem; I'll just update my drivers and visit Bioshock's official site to see if there's a fix. I thought about the logo I saw earlier: "Nvidia. The way it's meant to be played." I closed the program and began my driver updates. Wait... why is it downloading ATI drivers? I have an Nvidia card, don't I? I clicked around in the display properties. Nope. Radeon X800 series 256 meg PCI Express card. The Nvidia was in my other computer because it's shittier. Son of a hunch. Oh well, I just have to find the right patches and/or fixes that will allow me to play it on my Radeon.

Turns out that the game is not compatible with Radeon X800 cards.

Fifty dollars.

On to "Part 2: The Problem"