November 26, 2007

"How to Save Your Marriage" by Mack (with special appearance by Wahsatchmo)
If there's one thing that we know here at the Juvenile Comedy, it's failed relationships. In fact, some of us have failed our relationships so hard that we never even had one to begin with. Fortunately, our grief can be your gain.

November 19, 2007

"100 Bad Pickup Lines: A Men's Guide to First Impressions" by John Cheese and Ketheriel

Finally, an article that's there to help people. The title says it all. Click here or the picture to read.

November 6, 2007

"The Jones Soda Experiment" by Bakudai
Bakudai is one of my favorite people on the internet. Jones soda is one of my favorite sodas. So what happens when I put both of them in the same room? Hatred. Pure, unadulterated disdain for each others' existence. This article has me so torn.

October 22, 2007

"Under the Knife" by John Cheese
I don't know how I could have made it more clear to John that when I said, "I'd like to do a serious piece on the overuse of plastic surgery in Hollywood," that I meant... Ugh, I give up. Here's some boobs. Lots and lots of boobs.

October 14, 2007

"Reading is for Pussies" by Spermus
Two weeks ago, I held a meeting with all of the JC writers and asked them to come up with an article that showed the importance of reading. Spermus was the first with his hand in the air, so I gave the assignment to him. I don't think he quite understood what I meant.

September 30, 2007

"The Discerning Gentleman's Guide to Gangbang Etiquette" by Cowboy Detective
Cowboy Detective chimes in this week with something we could all use a little help with. Our manners. Or at least that's what I asked him to write about. Instead, he emailed me one of the dirtiest, filthiest, most disgusting articles I've ever read. Please don't read this at school or work. Or anywhere, ever.

September 22, 2007

"You Unpunny Sacks of Shit" by Shamus
This week, I stuck with the theory that paying my writers would produce more in-depth, hard-hitting articles. However, when I sent Shamus his $5000 payment, he instead consumed $5000 worth of Australian beer and went on a rant about puns. This is the product of booze and hate.

September 14, 2007

"The Trouble with Dicks: 5 Reasons Homo-Erotic Fiction is a Pain in the Arse" by Camerhil
I sent Camerhil a check for $5000 and asked him to write an investigative piece on the average British man's opinion on the upcoming election for the next U.S. President. He wrote this instead.

September 11, 2007

"Starcraft 2: A Rational, Thinking Gamer's Plea to Blizzard" by Mack
It's almost here, and we can't wait for it. However, while the game is still in production, I thought it would be a good idea to help Blizzard prevent any future problems that might arise upon release of the game. I'm only trying to help.

September 7, 2007

"Underage Sex Legalized in Illinois" by Mack
Well, not really, but we need a title that pulls in traffic, and that one has the three major components known for pulling hits: kids, sex, and Illinois. It's actually an article about the game Bioshock and what I feel to be a fairly big problem in the gaming industry today. Click here to read lots of words.

September 5, 2007

"How to Draw a Fuckin' Skull" by John Cheese
Ummmm... It's a skull. And John Cheese shows you how to draw one. Kind of. At the very least, it teaches you how to be more "metal" in your everyday life. Except it doesn't even really do that. Just do me a favor and read the article because I'm sort of afraid of the consequences of low traffic on this one.

September 2, 2007

"A Guide to Part-Time Jobs for College Students" by CantCatchMe
Are you a college student who has loans piling up? Are you looking for a way to make a little extra money to improve your academic lifestyle? Do you hear voices that nobody else hears? Juvenile Comedy can help you with some of these problems.

August 26, 2007

"The Man Who Bought the Shit out of Bioshock" by Camerhil
Juvenile Comedy's U.K. correspondent, Camerhil, brings us his first-hand experience purchasing this new game. If you have any questions, just remember: he is from the U.K. Update: We have just received word that Camerhil has also played the shit out of Bioshock.

August 20, 2007

"How-To get Things (for Youtube and Digg Users)" by Mortal Wombat
Mortal Wombat is a teacher by nature, and if you frequent either Digg.com or Youtube.com, this is the article for you. Pull up a chair, get a friend to read the text to you, and prepare to be a better person! Then, head over to Digg.com and try out your newfound skills by commenting on this article!

August 11, 2007

"13 Things You Should Avoid on a First Date" by Linux Fan
Linux Fan, one of my favorite alltime internet comedy writers, makes his JuvenileComedy.com debut with a help column that is sure to improve your social skills. The man is wise beyond his years. Read his sage-like advice here.

August 5, 2007

"Hey There Delilah" [Video] by John Cheese
I'm afraid all of our writers were busy this week, and nobody had time to turn in an article. But that's the price I have to pay for having unpaid staff with countless real life responsibilities. Fortunately for us, John has none of those. Regardless of how vulgar this video is, it's still better than the original.

July 27, 2007

"Dealing with Assholes" (Investigative Series Part 4) [Video] by Shamus
Part four of Shamus's award-winning reporting. We found a way to get around John's editing. Shamus did his series wrap-up with a video. If you haven't seen the first three parts, scroll down and check them out. You won't be disappointed. Or, if you're lazy: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4.

July 21, 2007

"A.D.D. is no Laughing Matter" by Mortal Wombat
Juvenile Comedy's own investigative journalist, Mortal Wombat, takes a hard-hitting, frighteningly-personal look at A.D.D. Read her emotional commentary here.

July 16, 2007

"Uninvited (Video)" by John Cheese
Sometimes, John gets drunk and writes articles. Sometimes, he gets bored and decides to deface a perfectly good song. I think he was both when he ruined Alanis Morissette's "Uninvited" in this horrifying video that he made for pointlesswasteoftime.com. My apologies to all Alanis fans.

July 14, 2007

"The Smoking Ban" (Investigative Series Part 3) by Shamus
Part three of Shamus's award-winning investigative series. This week, he takes on the government with his report on smoking and what sucks worse than potential cancer. Click here if you're tired of The Man keeping you down. Edited by John Cheese. I'm trying to find a loophole now to fire him.

July 5, 2007

"iPhone Review" (Investigative Series Part 2) by Shamus
Without corporate pressure for the reviewer to give only praise to their product, Shamus takes an honest look at the iPhone and the hype surrounding it. Unfortunately, John Cheese was the editor on this article because he's under contract to edit so many article per year, and I can't break it.

June 30 , 2007

"Student Politics" (Investigative Series Part 1) by Shamus
Part one of a series of investigative commentaries by Shamus. This week, he tackles the mentality and social effects of student politics. This is not only the premier of Shamus as a writer for Juvenile Comedy, but it's also John Cheese's first attempt at editing. We'll see how they do!

"Humor of Old" by John Cheese

John takes a look back at the comic strips that used to make our grandparents laugh, and just as we all suspected, their lives and society were filled with child molestation, torture, racism, murder, and an astonishing amount of drug use - none of which are funny. If you read this article and laugh, there is something wrong with you.

"Episode IV as it Should have Been" [Flash Presentation] by John Cheese

Please don't sue us. This is just a parody. Though, honestly, if you did sue us, I wouldn't really blame you. In fact, if you got so offended that your only reaction was to fire-bomb John's house, I wouldn't blame you for that, either. In all seriousness, though, if you're not old enough to watch a rated "R" movie, you shouldn't... well, you shouldn't even be at this site in the first place.

"Episode V as it Should have Been" [Flash Presentation] by John Cheese

John took one of his alltime favorite movies, took over 800 screenshots of it, spent days resizing and cropping those shots, spent a few more days constructing a Flash presentation with them... and corrupted Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back into the most vulgar, racist, vile, obscene collection of filth I've ever seen outside of a "XXX" style article.

"Nickelback's Photograph" [Video] by John Cheese

John doesn't just dislike Nickelback... he makes it his personal mission in life to destroy them whenever the opportunity presents itself. And sometimes when the opportunity doesn't present itself, he creates an opportunity on his own. This is incredibly unhealthy for a human to do, but in this case at least we all benefit because it turned out pretty funny.

"Pooh Goes Visiting" by John Cheese

I... I just... What in the unholy hell is that? Seriously, this is one of the most frightening things I've read on the internet, but I'm not sure why. When John first showed me this, I almost asked him, "What in the hell were you thinking?" But before I could ask it, I realized that I did not in fact want to know what he was thinking.

"Final Fantasy 8 Review" by John Cheese

This article had all the makings of a great game review. At the time, FF8 was one of the most anticipated games of the year. Of course, back then, we didn't know how bad it was going to suck the life out of the series. But then John got ahold of the game... and when John reviews a game, usually somebody ends up injured.

"Hitler Stole My Belt" by John Cheese

This is the article that John's fans rave about. When I say "rave about," I don't mean that they say nice things about the writing. I mean they get together with clothes made out of chains, take drugs that make them have sex with strangers, and do interpretive dances to thumping techno music, telling the story of Hitler's theft of John's belt with their chemically enhanced gyrations.

"Interview with J.K. Rowling" by John Cheese

David Wong of PointlessWasteOfTime.com was all set to do his second interview with the Harry Potter author, when he ran into some technical difficulties. Unfortunately, to the dismay of the entire civil, thinking world, the interview was handed off to John. My sincerest apologies to not only Potter fans, but fans of the written word in general.

"Taco Eye Jeff" by John Cheese

After reading this article, I considered calling Child and Family Services to have John's wife and children placed into protective custody. But then I remembered that John is nothing if not extremely determined where revenge is concerned, and I decided, "better them than me." And since his wife is still with him after all these years, then there must certainly be something wrong with her, too.

"Star Wars: Attack of the Clones DVD Review" by John Cheese

There are a couple of problems with John writing movie reviews. 1.) John doesn't go to the movies. He waits for it to come out on DVD so he can just borrow it from a friend to avoid paying for it. 2.) John doesn't actually watch the movie. Not in the traditional sense, wherein a movie goer pays attention to the plot and listens to the dialogue and understands/enjoys the story. 3.) John is batshit insane.

"Silent Short" [Video] by John Cheese

This was made for PointlessWasteOfTime.com. A forum member who calls himself "1234" had this to say about the film: "I'm not saying there's a John Cheese formula, but if there were one, it would be taking seemingly innocent archetypes (whether they be Star Wars, Winnie the Pooh or Buster Brown) and contrasting them with boundary-rending, almost trancendant, profanity."

"The 419 Scammer" by John Cheese

Every once in a while, John will do something to redeem every horrible act of indecency he's ever committed. This is one of those rare occasions. This exchange is incredibly long, but it's worth sitting through because this actually happened. Yes, John really did string this guy along, and yes, this guy really did stick around no matter how surreal Cheese made his replies. It gets stranger as it goes.

"Teaching David Wong" by John Cheese

John's best friend is David Wong, owner and comedy mastermind behind Pointless Waste of Time. For years, Cheese tried to convince Dave to learn the game of Magic: The Gathering, but Wong, being a normal thinking human with an actual female companion, always rejected the idea. This article shows exactly why he should have stayed in that state of mind.

"Inside the Mind of a Criminal" by John Cheese

In the summer of 2001, John was arrested and sent to jail for exactly one hour because there was a mixup in the mail, and his notice to appear in court for a minor traffic charge was sent to another address. However, in true John Cheese fashion, he was able to write a 3200-word string of lies about the incident that wound up being one of the most remembered and loved articles amongst his fans.

"John Goes to Jail for the Sake of Comedy" by John Cheese

The thing about this article is that - no joke - this actually did happen. It's written with a comedic tone, but none of it is exaggerated. Shortly after this article made its rounds across the internet, a forum member who calls himself "D8ta" over at Pointless Waste of Time made a fake movie trailer for it and posted it on Youtube.

"The Phone Saga" by John Cheese

Speaking of phones, John used to get his shut off pretty regularly because he spent all of his money on beer instead of bills. This is the story of one such incident in which the phone was disconnected and how he got it turned back on. Looking back over some of the articles in John's arsenal, I'm starting to see a pattern where he, phones, and legal trouble are concerned.

"The Phone Saga - Again" by John Cheese

Yep, John lost his phone again - this time for almost a full year. It wouldn't have been quite so bad, except that back then, all internet providers had available for the average person was a dialup connection. So if you had no phone, you had no internet. And if you had no internet, you couldn't really call yourself a "web comedian." In this article, John details how he got it turned back on.

"Nintendo Wii Revamps Titles" by John Cheese

This could very well be the most violent, disgusting, horrifying article on the entire site. I actually hesitated to write that description because I think John will take that as a compliment. I have a feeling that John's definition of "comedy" isn't exactly the way you or I would define it. Regardless, he's under contract, so I have to put this article here. I'm sorry.

"Top Ten Most Overrated Bands" by John Cheese

When John told me how much hatemail this article got him, I kind of just smiled and politely nodded, dismissing the claim as normal, expected John Cheese exaggeration. That's pretty much what I do, no matter what John tells me about any subject whatsoever. But then, I put the article in this archive, and I saw for myself how insanely angry people get when you slam their favorite band.

"The 2005 Year-Long Horoscope" by John Cheese

John once had a drunken debate with a fellow alcoholic, in which John claimed to be able to write a horoscope that was more accurate than any ever written. Then, with original illustrations from Nedroid (of Nedroid.com), he put together this monstrosity, based entirely on people with whom he had drank beer. The ones he didn't know, he just made up what he thought they might be like.

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