We're to blame. Make no mistake that every single time anyone in the acting and/or singing business goes under the knife, it's because of us. We are directly responsible for buying or rejecting their products (movies, TV shows, songs), and it turns out that the world as a whole has unanimously decided that anyone who looks even remotely natural isn't allowed on our precious airwaves. This has to change. To help raise your awareness, I've gathered four of the worst offenders where surgically altering one's body is concerned.

Drew Barrymore

Take a quick gander over to the left. Specifically the boob part of the left. Nice, huh? I thought so, too, during the seven hours I spent staring at them while researching for this article. Take a look at them again, and this time really take them in. Get them good and embedded in your mind. You'll need to stare at least long enough so that when you look up from the picture, the image of them still floats in the air, no matter where your eyes point. Now, when you read the following sentence, look at them again and try not to denounce God: Drew Barrymore got a breast reduction when she was sixteen years old.

Breast reduction.

Reduction.

That's bullshit. What the hell could have possibly caused her to do that? Did she have back problems? Were they giving her headaches? Were they physically impeding her in everyday activities?

"You should have seen the size of them I was a 34DD. Everybody stared at them and it was so embarrasing. They'd be like 'you changed,' and they'd be staring straight at my breasts. After I got my boobs reduced to a 34C, all the sudden this thing that was so scary and embarrasing wasn't a problem anymore."

Oh.

Ok, here's the deal, dipshits. The stare goes something like this - you should have learned this when you were twelve years old:

1.) Watch the eyes. Always watch the eyes. Those are what alerts a woman to any boob staring, and that is what we're trying to avoid. Why? Because if she knows you're staring at her boobs, it will prevent any future boob staring and could lead to possible boob reduction on her part. Don't kill the goose to get one golden egg.

2.) The second she looks away is your opportunity. This is what we call the "boob-glance window." My statistics show that the time allotted by the boob-bearing subject can vary anywhere from .25 seconds to 4 full seconds, depending on the intensity of the distraction and her current level of boredom with your conversation.

3.) Look back up immediately. No matter how awesome the boobs are, you cannot linger on them. Get in and get right back out. Successful boob glances aren't built with a single stare. They are like a painting that must be built stroke by stroke. At first, just capture the shape. Then, on the next glance, try to catch the size and weight. Then, maybe the color and/or texture. With enough practice and patience, the boob keeper will have never noticed you looking down. However, your ninja-like captures will have painted the following picture:

Do it for Drew Barrymore. Do it for men. Do it for us all.

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