Sorry, I thought there was a noise at the door. It was just a Jehovah's Witness. Anyway, I'll go to the supermarket and be wandering around for hours without any idea what I was going to get. Why do they do the door-to-door thing anyway? Do you think it really helps? Doesn't the number of people they piss off outweigh the tiny fraction of a percent they might convert? What they need to do, I think, is hire some kind of Japanese or German efficiency expert to come and do an audit and run some hard numbers for them. Some pie charts, maybe, and a conversion-to-infuriation ratio. Rewards for closers. That sort of thing.

The way they're doing it now, with the pressure and the hard sell, just feels like you're being forced to convert at gunpoint. Nobody likes that. Here, let me find an illustration.

Awww. See, now that's original. Not like that lolcats stuff. I don't understand the appeal of randomly inserting words into, "I'm in ur [noun1] [verb]ing ur [noun2]." Does it matter what words you use? Are you supposed to just look around your desk and pick the first things you see? Here: "im in ur laser pointer reorganizing ur purell hand sanitizer." Did that make you laugh? No? Oh, that's because I didn't put a picture of a cat.

There, that should be funny, right? I don't get it myself, but whatever. It seems like some kind of magic rule that adding a cat to any bit will increase the comedy level by a fair amount, whether it's a cat noise after someone crashes into something offscreen or a cat flying off of a ceiling fan in the background. I bet even RV would have been watchable if Robin Williams had a cat with a funny expression sitting on his shoulder the whole time. I would have been on the fence at least.

It would take a lot of cats to save License to Wed though, I think. Like, so many cats that you fill the entire screen and can't see or hear the actors. Or at least enough cats to interfere with the actors as they try to say their lines.

Robin Williams: Well, if you want me to perform your wedding ceremony, you'll have to -

Cat: Rrreeeeeeow! (attacks Robin Williams' arm for no reason)

Robin Williams: God damn it!

The Chick: Reverend Frank! Such language!

Robin Williams: Oh, I am so sorry. (removes cat from arm, charming and humble Robin Williams smile) I don't know what got into me. It's so hard being a man of God and watching my language all the time. Sometimes a booboo slips out.

The Chick: Oh, I understand. Nobody's perfect.

Cat 2: RRRRRrrreeeooooow! (lands on Robin Williams' head and sinks claws into scalp)

Robin Williams: JESUS MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST!

I guess the rating would have to change.

What they could do, is they could have a cat version and a non-cat version and they could see which one does better at the box office. I think you and I know what the results would be, but Hollywood takes a lot of convincing. I put "The Chick" because I forgot who the chick was, but now I seem to remember it's Mandy Moore. They could replace her with a cat too, I don't think it would hurt. With the guy marrying a cat now, they could make a big thing about the taboo and use it as a metaphor for gay marriage, and make it look like a socially relevant film, so they can reel in those people.

You know what kind of people I'm talking about. Those people who have got to be all earnest about important causes and feel guilty if all the movies they are watching don't reflect those causes. If they watch something fun like Live Free or Die Hard, they have to go watch that global warming movie five times as penance. These are people with such an inexplicable and alien mindset that they will NOT be drawn to the theatre by the promise of a bad Robin Williams movie filled - literally screen-filled - with cats.

I would watch it.

So you stick in some conservative parents that use buzz phrases like, "This is a lifestyle choice," or pull out some Bible verses about not marrying cats, and then the human groom-to-be passionately defends himself with more buzz phrases, like, "Why can't you accept me the way God made me?" and "It wasn't too long ago you were treating black people the way you treat cats." And at the end, after swearing they won't go to the ceremony, they show up at the last minute and hug the cat and welcome her to the family, and tears all around.

Now, the cat ought to be played by a real cat and not some hot actress like Scarlet Johansson or Anne Hathaway or Justin Long, wearing cat makeup. That is as lame and racist as putting some slant-eyed makeup on Jonathan Pryce so he could play Miss Saigon, or one of the characters in Miss Saigon, I forget.

But in conclusion, ADD is not something to joke about. It's a real and serious condition, and making light of it doesn't

If you liked this article, you can find more funny stuff from Mortal Wombat at her website. Be sure to check out the articles "Editorial: Cancer is Bad" and "Marketing to the Female Gamer."