The first exchange, I didn't save. It was just the standard request for help as described above, and I responded with:

This sounds too good to be true, but God is telling me that this is worth looking into. Do you believe in God?

--John

I didn't think he'd respond, but in a couple of days, he did, and I jumped right in. My goal was to see how bizarre I could make some of these responses before he caught on. As you'll see, it took quite a bit.

Dear John,
I am most grateful for your mail, and I seize this opportunity to thank you for coming to my rescue and to also let you know that this transaction is a straight forward and legal transaction. I am somebody with a conscience. If this transaction was in any way illegal, I would tell you straight away so that you know what is involved and decide for yourself. But it is not like that at all, and you will later see and understand that.
I hope you were not too embarrassed by my first email to you since you do not know me. I had no option since my immediate and extended family in and outside South Africa refused to distribute my funds because they want to keep it to themselves. I didn’t know how to move the funds out and dispatched it to charity organizations, so I resulted to putting fate to test and making a random contact. I got your email address from the web email directory and decided to introduce I plight and this transaction. I am communicating with only you at this moment with regards to this transaction. And I would not have any cause to do otherwise, except you state your intention to withdraw your assistance.

Just like I stated in my first mail to you, this fund is presently in the correspondent bank to the security and finance company, i cannot claim these funds myself as a result of,

(1) I am under going medical treatment in Italy. It has defiled all forms of medicine, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts (2) I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul and so, I have decided to give alms to charity organizations and churches, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth

It is for this reasons I am seeking for your assistance to stand as the beneficiary to the fund and retrieve it on my behalf and dispatched it to charity organizations All the necessary documents required to get these Funds released from the Correspondent bank which is the paying bank are in my possession and I will be sending them to you after we must have come to a conclusion and reached an agreement. Not before.

I need you to give me your words that you will be very honest and straight forward with me when the money gets to you,So long as you can execute this transaction successfully and help me dispatched it to charity organizations. Thus, I would need you to get back to me on the following issues,

(1) That you are in a position to be trusted as a God fearing person with such a large amount of fund and dispatched it to charity organization. (2) That you ready to sign a letter of guarantee with my lawyer on behalf of me due to my health problem, clearly stating the terms of this transaction, including your percentages and dispatching the remaining funds to charity organizations, as my lawyer will be a living witness that you fulfill your promise of dispatching my funds to charity organizations so that I am assured that the money would be safe in your hands even when am at the gate. (3) That you are willing to contact the Correspondent bank to the finance and security company where i deposited this charity funds to discuss the terms of releasing the funds and bear whatever expenses (if there is any and you will remove any money spend immediately you get the funds) that would be involved so that the funds can be released into your nominated bank account in your country. (4) That you fully understand this transaction up to this stage and you are ready to proceed under these terms.

As soon as I receive your reply that you are ready to proceed under these terms, then I will furnish you with all details including the Correspondent bank which is the paying bank and my lawyer’s details for the secure of the release of my fund and disposure to the charities. But if you have any questions up to this stage, please ask and I will be more than happy to respond to them.And I will also send you all the necessary documentations to conclude this transaction .

Thanks for your mail, your mail has relieved me and I pray to almighty GOD with his infinite mercy to reward you. I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it now. I want you to pray for me so that God would forgive me and be merciful to me and accept my soul

Please call me immediately you receive this mail on my telephone number 0039-339-626-9886 and send me the following details telephone,fax number,address and your biography if necessary.

Awaiting your urgent response.

May God bless you,

Andre Lucas

*Note: This email is a set-up for a later joke. I lay down the idea that I do not like or approve of gays, and I question his sexuality. I then put up a Bible verse that talks about homosexuality. Every Bible quote you see after this one is completely made-up, as are the names after the quotes.

Andre,

I'm sorry to hear that you are ill. My prayers go out to you. Your passion for the church and charities is refreshing to hear in today's often cruel and selfish world. I have prayed about this long and hard, and my Lord tells me that I would be a fool to deny one of His children an opportunity to help His cause.

However, something struck me as odd in your last email, and I have to be sure you are on the level before we continue. You said "I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it now." This does not mean that you have engaged in homosexual activity, does it? The Father has made it very clear to me that I am not to help promote this sin, and I just have to make sure that I'm not doing just that.

--John

Leviticus 18:22

Several days went by without a response, so I sent him a lure email:

You never got back to me on your predicament. Did you find someone else to help you out? Are you getting worse in your condition? God, I hope you are ok.

--John

Dear John,
Thanks for your prompt response regarding this matter.

As i told you in last mail with subject more detail that immediately i received your details as follows telephone,fax number,address and your full names i will immediately foward it to my attorney in order for him to start processing the change of beneficiary or ownership from the high court of law of my country from my name to your name.Then after this process,copies will be send to the security and finance company where i deposited this charitable fund and also instructions will be given from the security and finance company to their paying bank which is their correspondent bank to effect payment into your nominated bank account worldwide.

I will be faxing you this change of beneficiary or ownership certificate and others classified documents concerning this charitable fund immediately my attorney conclude this process.

Please feel free to contact me immediately the paying bank to the security and finance company effect payment into your nominated bank account.

For your information i still rely on you to assist me to dispatched this charitable fund to a reputable charity organisation of your choice.

Awaiting your response.

Have a blessed day.

Remain Blessed,

Andre Lucas.

He attached the following photos:

Pay attention to the part about "repairs in the basement." I'll call back to that in a later email. Things are about to start getting strange.

Andre,

I'm glad to hear that you are still alive. I was getting worried. My full name is John Quincy Cheese. As far as my address and numbers, I will have to get back with you in a few days with those. I'm actually in the process of moving from my current residence to the one I just bought, so I will have a new address and new numbers. You actually just caught me at the perfect time (thank our Lord Jesus for that one!) because I just took out a $200,000 loan for my house, and right after I got the check, the people knocked off $57,000 from the full cost of the house. Turns out it needed repairs in the basement, so they did it on good faith. Praise God for that one! Anyway, as soon as I get my moving finished, I will send you my new information.

However, I still have some reserves about doing this because you never answered my last question. As I have stated before, I do not feel that I can help someone out if he or she is a sinner and a blasphemer. So if you are homosexual, you need to tell me now so I can respectfully decline and move on. But if you are not a homosexual, then I'm sure that our Lord would be more than willing to allow me to spread His love through this assistance. Please answer this question before we go any further.

--John

Dear John,
Thanks for your prompt response and your effort in this matter.

That of the question you asked in your mail,let me tell you am a christain,i have giving my life to God almighty and am not a blasphemer,homosexual or any other thing you think in your mind that is evil.Please respond to my request on time because time is no longer on my said according to the medical experts here in Italy.

Immediately i receved those details requested from you in my last mail,i will foward it to my attorney in order for him to start processing the change of beneficiary or ownership from the high court of law of my country from my name to your name.Then after this process,copies will be send to the security and finance company where i deposited this charitable fund and also instructions will be given from the security and finance company to their paying bank which is their correspondent bank to effect payment into your nominated bank account worldwide.

I will be faxing you this change of beneficiary or ownership certificate and others classified documents concerning this charitable fund immediately my attorney conclude this process.

Awaiting your response.

Have a blessed day.

Remain Blessed,

Andre Lucas.

Andre,
That is wonderful news. I was worried all last night about it, and it is a world of filth off of my shoulders to see you in such unpain. I just finished the last of the unbiadextrious paperwork (U.P. forms) on my new home, so I will be able to get you an address shortly. My new phone should be hooked up within the next week, and as soon as everything gets coropulated, I'll send that information to you as well.

--John

"Man shall not lay with man. Not with their genitals. Nor with their souls." -Corenthialis 15:21

He didn't answer for a couple of days, and I thought he had caught on. So I sent him this:

Andre,

I have just had the single worst night of my life. The house I just bought caught on fire, and everything I own is ruined. I have worked for over 40 years (I am 62) to collect some of those belongings, and in one night, they are all gone. Remember that basement problem I told you about? Well, it turns out that it was a faulty electrical box. Bad breakers. I just don't know what I'm going to do.

I am setting up an apartment tomorrow for temporary shelter, but I'll have to wait a full week before the insurance check comes through. That's the only up-side to this whole disaster. When all is said and done, there was just under two million dollars in damage. I'll get all that money back, but what good does it do me when I have to start building my home from scratch?

I'm sorry. I know you're in a much worse position than I am, and you probably think I'm stupid for rambling on like this about my petty problems. I just needed someone to talk to, and so far, you've been a great listener.

I hope you're doing better. My prayers go out to you. Please pray for me, too.

Sincerely,
--John

"He who sins against the eye of the Holy Spirit is living in the heart of the plated soul." --Jameriquai 12:19

Fortunately, he didn't catch on at all. He's just a lazy scammer. Or a really busy one:

Dear John,

Thanks for your mail.

Sorry for the fire outbreak disaster and i hope you were not injured because that is the most important thing any body will asked first if any thing happen of this type and i thank God for substaining your life because when there is life there is hope to move foward .Please accept my sympathy and really shock of this sad news,what about your family'?

Am going to pray for you in order for Amighty God to give you the strength to overcome this temptation,which i know is very important at the moment and you can call me on my private number 0039-339-626-9886 for more discussion.

Awaiting your urgent response.

Remain Blessed,

Andre Lucas.

Andre,

Thank you for your sympathies. They are greatly appreciated. I am so glad that my insurance had kicked in just days before the fire. I got all of my money back on the house and belongings, so I can finally start over again. Though, this time, I think I'm not going to worry about collecting so many material things. With a little over two million dollars in damages, I think I can just settle on a small house and put the basic supplies in it, and the rest of that money will more than pay for my retirement and a gate to keep out filthy, dirty sinners. Probably an electric one with spikes on it. I've always wanted one of those.

As far as my family, I'm afraid that I don't have one anymore. I used to be married, but several years ago, my wife left me to persue a lesbian relationship with a sinful, dirty woman. It was horrible. Many times, in my head, I have been told that I should punish her for her filth, but it is hard to tell if that is God telling me that or if it is the Devil, himself. I guess each person has to search within himself to find that answer. But just in case, I bought some new gloves.

So how are you doing? Have the doctors given you any good news on your condition? I hope so. I'm trying to get you an address and new phone number as quickly as possible. It shouldn't be long now. With this new money in the bank, I might be able to help you out with hospital bills (or even add some of it to your dream of helping your charities!) Just let me know, and I'll do everything I can.

Love,
--John

"The mouths of the rightous suckle softly on the breasts of holy love; King Squanchobooyah did see this in the year of his flesh; And he did erect his rod in the name of holy love." --Czarinthias 9:21.

Dear John,
Thanks again for you effort in this matter.

I thank God for taking absolute control over past incident concerning the fire outbrake and also directing your insurance company to understand your present condition to pay back the damages involved on time without any delay.Glory be to God almighty for doing a miracleous work.

That of your wife,i will advise you to forgive her because i believe almighty God is going to judge every body on the last day and also i think she is going to realise her mistakes, whenever she receive the holy spirit annointing from God.

Concerning my health,the medical experts handling my illness has prescribes some medication for me to purchase which amount about $7,400.00 USD but at this moment,i dont have any money with me to purchase this hospital bills and the only money i have now is the money deposited in the security and finance company which i have proposed for charity which i want you to help me to dispatched to any reputable charitable organization in your country and once this charitable fund get to your bank account i will advise you to deduct all expenses before dispatching it to any charitable organisation with your own discretion.

Find the name and address where this hospital bill will be send to through western union money transfer since i dont have a bank account here in Italy and the name below belong to one of the hospital worker and is very close to me.

MR BENEDICT EZECHI.

57 VIA PINI SUD,

80014,GIULANO.

NA,ITALY.

Please see what you can do about these,but is not a tax on you because you are not the cause of my present predicament,since you said in you mail that you will help me with the hospital bills and also my attorney is worried about the details i requested from you so that he can immediately start processing the change of beneficiary or ownership to your name in the high court of law in my country and also a letter of probate and other classified documents will be issued from the probate registry stating that the deposited fund now belong to you.

Awaiting your urgent response.

Have a blessed day.

Remain Blessed,

Andre Lucas.

For the effect of realism, I waited a week or two before emailing him this:

Andre,

I apologize for not getting back to you sooner, but there have been some significant happenings in my life as of late. I only pray that you are still well enough to receive this email before you pass.

First, I finally got my new house. That is good news in itself, but not nearly as good as what you are about to hear...

Remember my lesbian sinner of an ex-wife that I told you about in my earlier emails? Well, I finally exacted the Lord's revenge on her. Late one night (about two weeks or so ago), I was coming home from a neighborhood watch meeting, and I noticed that her car was in front of one of my neighbors' houses. She was there visiting (and probably doing something sinful, but that's another subject), and I knew that she never locked her car door. So I snuck into her car and pulled out the wires just below her steering wheel. I was just trying to make it so that she couldn't leave, and when her car wouldn't start, she would know that the Lord was watching her. Kind of a punishment thing, you know?

Well, after I pulled out the wires, I felt bad, so I tried to connect them back where they went. I spent about 10 minutes getting everything back together, and I left. About two hours later, there were ambulances and police cars everywhere!

It turns out that I connected the wrong wires, and when she touched the metal part of the ignition, it shocked her. The EMT's thought that she was dead, but she wasn't. They tried to give her mouth-to-mouth, and when they did, she happened to breathe in at the same time, and they split one of her lungs. The bad news is that she passed away from internal bleeding two hours later in the hospital. The good news is that I was not held responsible, AND my name was still on her life insurance check! I can finally afford to retire!

This means that you can consider your hospital bills paid, brother! I'm going to need an address so I can send you a check (and of course the full amount of your hospital bills). I think you sent me one before, but I think I might have deleted it from my email inbox by accident. I'll try to look for it, but it might be easier for you to just send it again (I'm kind of computer ignorant). You can expect to have all of your hospital worries taken care of within a week or two!

I pray for your well-being, and I hope that I am not too late.

Love,
John

"Therefore, I tell you, do not fear death. For death is only the life of the living King. The living King shall live, and the death of the living shall not die in life." --Shara Kamalia 14:11

Dear John,
Thanks for your response.

Am very sorry,i will not be able to stay in the internet for long time because the medical experts handling my illness warned me not to stay long in the internet due to my health condition at present.

Congratulation,for your new house and also accept my sympathy concerning your late lesbian wife and i know you didnt kill her intentionally and Amighty God in heaven know this.

Find below name and address where the hospital bills will be sent to through western union money transfer.

MR BENEDICT EZECHI.

57 PINI SUD,GIUGLANO

NAPOLI-ITALY

Please send me the payment informations as soon as you can so that i will foward it to Mr Benedict Ezechi to pick up the fund in any western union money transfer office here in Italy.

Have a blessed day and may God kindly reward you.

Awaiting your urgent response.

Best Regards

Andre Lucas.

I was about to email him back, when just minutes later, he sent me this:

Dear John,

Sorry for contacting you so soon again concerning my hospital bills.This morning,the medical director of the hospital where am undergoing treatment his name is Mr Francesco Santis came to my sick bed to inform me that i have to pay up my hospital bills before saturday the end of this very week or else is going to instruct the medical experts handling my illness to stop giving me medicine and other necessary treatment will be withdrawn,finally i will be ask to leave the hospital and if anything happens during that moment they will not be held liable for it.

Please see if you can help me with half of the hospital bills before friday in order for me to deposit it with them and also to promise them that before the end of next week i will be able to pay the balance.the total hospital bills is $7,400.00 USD.For your information i want the money to be send through western union money transfer to that name i sent to you yesterday because i dont have a bank account here in Italy and also the hospital is not ready to accept any check from outside Italy,i want you to understand me because Italian people are very heartless with the way they treat foreigners in their country and also they are good in selling human beings kidney and liver to their rich men who need it very urgent.

Awaiting your urgent response.

Have a blessed day.

Best Regards,

Andre Lucas.

Oh my Lord! I'm so sorry I missed this email! I hope to the great Lord above that they did not kick you out just yet. I'm going to my local Western Union office first thing in the morning and sending out the money. Tell the doctors that your money will be there shortly. Wait... the Western Union offices are closed on Sunday, so I'll have to get it to you on Monday. Do they have any extra fees? In America, if your payment is late, they charge you extra fees. If so, just let me know, and I'll tack those on there while I'm at it. I don't want to give them a reason to harm you or deny you your treatment.

Also, Andre, I've been meaning to tell you this for a short while, but I wasn't sure how you would take it. I'm almost embarassed to say it now. In fact, I'm VERY embarassed to say it. If you read what I am about to tell you, and you never want to speak to me again, I will understand, because I hate myself for it as well. But I think I might be falling in love with you. I know that sounds crazy, and you already know my stance on gays, but there's something about you that makes me feel things I haven't felt since I first fell in love with my ex-wife.

I'm sorry. I know it sounds stupid, and you probably hate me, now. I don't blame you. I'm just so confused. I've never felt this way towards a man before, and I'm not sure what to do.

I don't know, Andre. I'm rambling now, so I'll just wrap up this email and go to bed. I promise, first thing Monday morning, I'll take care of those bills for you. Please don't hate me.

--John

I thought that would do it. I thought wrong:

Dear John,

Thanks for your effort again regarding my hospital bills and i will be very happy immediately i received the payment information from you today because am really in a big problem now concerning this hospital bills and i have stop receiving treatment from this medical experts because i dont know what they have in mind at the moment,if they are planning to sell any of my body organs.

Regarding you promise first thing today,i beleive your word and i dont think they will demand any extra fee because here in Italy the doctors knows that is very difficult for foreigner to pay their bills,but i will walk straight to medical director now that i will receive the hospital bills today from my brother in the United States.

That of what you said concerning gays am not angry or upset because what you have not done before,one day somebody must teach you and make you to understand the benefit and reasons of being into this.Whenever i receive your mail i fell in love with you as a brother because is not easy to meet somebody like you who is 62 year of age and i will also want to meet with you face to face and if is possible for me to come to United States to live with you to receive treatment there i will be very happy i just want to complete my last deeds as i promise God for you to dispatch the said amount i have in a security and finance company here in europe to charitable organization.

Please send me the requested details i demanded from you so that my attorney can go ahead to start processing the change of ownership or beneficiary to your name in the high court of law in my country and also in the probate registry before instruction will be given from the security and finance company where i deposited this fund to their correspondent bank in England to effect transfer into your nominated bank account in your country.I also want you to understand once this transaction is completed i will immediately schedule my flight ticket to meet with you.

Awaiting your urgent response.

Have a blessed day.

Best Regards,

Andre Lucas.

Andre,

I have completed the transaction. I know you said you needed $7400, but I just rounded that up to an even $10,000 to take care of any future hospital/medication bills you will have. Plus, it will pay for your plane tickets if you decide to buy them. I've never done a Western Union transaction this big before, so I had to have a little help from the woman on the phone. She sent me a receipt by email and told me that the best way to do this was to forward this receipt to you, and you can print it out, sign it, and take it to your Western Union office to receive the funds. I have attached this receipt to this email. She said that if you were too sick to take it to the office, they could send down a representative to pick up the receipt in person. You'll just have to call them and let them know where you are. Just give them the transaction number found on the receipt, and they'll be able to look it up in the computer and deliver the money straight to you.

She said that another way you could do it is to sign over the receipt to your doctor, and they could pick it up for you in good faith. I wish you the best, and I look forward to meeting you in person. Be well, my love brother. I pray for you.

--John

"The shimmering hands of life shall pull the goat to safety. And when stretched to the breaking point, all life shall become whole." --Ann Landers

I attached goatse. For those of you not in the know, I will include a link to goatse here. However, a couple of warnings before you click it:

1.) DO NOT open this link while at work, school, or around children.

2.) If you've never seen this picture before, you will never forget it for the rest of your life.

3.) After seeing this picture, that fake quote at the bottom of this final email will actually make sense.

4.) Don't click the link if you can avoid it. But just in case your curiosity cannot avoid it, here it is:

goatse

That was the last I ever heard from Mr. Andres Lucas.

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