May 2 , 2008 "Fucking with 419 Scammers" by John Cheese

Some of you may have read the original 419 article by John a couple of years back. Well, he's done another one, and this time, the comedy minds at Cracked.com thought it was funny enough to give him and the article a guest spot on their site. While you're over there, please take a second to digg that badboy.

April 25 , 2008 "Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows" by John Cheese

We've been gone for a little bit because it turns out that my best friend is becoming famous for a book that he wrote with his dick, and I've been helping him make his website not look like total ass. When I came back, the only article that had been submitted to me was from John Cheese, so that's what you're stuck with. Here's his version of "The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows."

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"Humor of Old" by John Cheese

John takes a look back at the comic strips that used to make our grandparents laugh, and just as we all suspected, their lives and society were filled with child molestation, torture, racism, murder, and an astonishing amount of drug use - none of which are funny. If you read this article and laugh, there is something wrong with you.

"13 Things You Should Avoid on a First Date" by Linux Fan
Linux Fan, one of my favorite alltime internet comedy writers, makes his JuvenileComedy.com debut with a help column that is sure to improve your social skills. The man is wise beyond his years. Read his sage-like advice here.

"The Discerning Gentleman's Guide to Gangbang Etiquette" by Cowboy Detective
Cowboy Detective chimes in this week with something we could all use a little help with. Our manners. Or at least that's what I asked him to write about. Instead, he emailed me one of the dirtiest, filthiest, most disgusting articles I've ever read. Please don't read this at school or work. Or anywhere, ever.

"How-To get Things (for Youtube and Digg Users)" by Mortal Wombat
Mortal Wombat is a teacher by nature, and if you frequent either Digg.com or Youtube.com, this is the article for you. Pull up a chair, get a friend to read the text to you, and prepare to be a better person! Then, head over to Digg.com and try out your newfound skills by commenting on this article!

"Hey There Delilah" [Video] by John Cheese
I'm afraid all of our writers were busy this week, and nobody had time to turn in an article. But that's the price I have to pay for having unpaid staff with countless real life responsibilities. Fortunately for us, John has none of those. Regardless of how vulgar this video is, it's still better than the original.

"Episode IV as it Should have Been" [Flash Presentation] by John Cheese

Please don't sue us. This is just a parody. Though, honestly, if you did sue us, I wouldn't really blame you. In fact, if you got so offended that your only reaction was to fire-bomb John's house, I wouldn't blame you for that, either. In all seriousness, though, if you're not old enough to watch a rated "R" movie, you shouldn't... well, you shouldn't even be at this site in the first place.

"Episode V as it Should have Been" [Flash Presentation] by John Cheese

John took one of his alltime favorite movies, took over 800 screenshots of it, spent days resizing and cropping those shots, spent a few more days constructing a Flash presentation with them... and corrupted Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back into the most vulgar, racist, vile, obscene collection of filth I've ever seen outside of a "XXX" style article.

"Hitler Stole My Belt" by John Cheese

This is the article that John's fans rave about. When I say "rave about," I don't mean that they say nice things about the writing. I mean they get together with clothes made out of chains, take drugs that make them have sex with strangers, and do interpretive dances to thumping techno music, telling the story of Hitler's theft of John's belt with their chemically enhanced gyrations.

"Star Wars: Attack of the Clones DVD Review" by John Cheese

There are a couple of problems with John writing movie reviews. 1.) John doesn't go to the movies. He waits for it to come out on DVD so he can just borrow it from a friend to avoid paying for it. 2.) John doesn't actually watch the movie. Not in the traditional sense, wherein a movie goer pays attention to the plot and listens to the dialogue and understands/enjoys the story. 3.) John is batshit insane.

"Teaching David Wong" by John Cheese

John's best friend is David Wong, owner and comedy mastermind behind Pointless Waste of Time. For years, Cheese tried to convince Dave to learn the game of Magic: The Gathering, but Wong, being a normal thinking human with an actual female companion, always rejected the idea. This article shows exactly why he should have stayed in that state of mind.

"Inside the Mind of a Criminal" by John Cheese

In the summer of 2001, John was arrested and sent to jail for exactly one hour because there was a mixup in the mail, and his notice to appear in court for a minor traffic charge was sent to another address. However, in true John Cheese fashion, he was able to write a 3200-word string of lies about the incident that wound up being one of the most remembered and loved articles amongst his fans.